Only In Edinburgh

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Is there anything more Xmassy than drinking in a garden shed next to a building site?

Yes, it’s that time of year again folks. Xmas is just around the corner. It’s time to blow the cob webs off the purses and wallets. Get out there and shop till you drop. But just before you drop get… Continue Reading →

McDonald’s submit plans to open restaurant on McArthur’s Seat

McDonald’s have recently submitted plans to open a new restaurant on the site of the ruins of St. Anthony’s Chapel on the hill above St. Margaret’s Loch in Holyrood Park. A spokesperson for the restaurant made an announcement from the… Continue Reading →

Plan unveiled to electrify Greyfriars Bobby to stop tourists rubbing him for good luck

Edinburgh council have unveiled plans to electrify Greyfriars Bobby in a bid to stop tourists from rubbing his nose for good luck. A spokesperson for the council told us “We are sick and tired of having to respray Bobby’s nose… Continue Reading →

Exclusive: Love Island 2022 to be filmed in Cramond north-west of Edinburgh

According to an email leaked to Only In Edinbrugh HQ Love Island 2022 will be filmed in Cramond, Midlothian! It’s believed that due to Covid-19 producers have been scouting the shores of the UK to find a suitable location closer… Continue Reading →

Hollywood heart throb Tom Cruise splashes out on luxury East Lothian property

Hollywood heart throb Tom Cruise has decided to fork out a small fortune on a new luxury home. But the plush property is not in the Berkeley Hills in California, nor is the magnificent mansion in London’s expensive Park Lane… Continue Reading →

Boner contention as study finds 8 out of 10 Edinburgh traffic wardens can’t get it up

Edinburgh traffic wardens are up in all the wrong places at revelations in a recently released report that suggest 80% of them just can’t get it up in all the right places. The report was the result of months of… Continue Reading →

Hearts fans want more European nights so Tynecastle oblige with tapas every Thursday in October

Over the years there have been thrilling comebacks, agonising defeats and the some great European nights to remember in Tynecastle but unfortunately nothing to write home about in recent seasons. So fans have begun to vent their frustration on The… Continue Reading →

Edinburgh residents feared for their lives as two really loud helicopters circled the city

Edinburgh residents were left shocked, stunned and in fear for their very lives as two military helicopters circled the capital like two low flying hungry vultures eyeing their prey. The two low-flying choppers, believed to be property of either the… Continue Reading →

Man in a hurry for a McFlurry nearly gets his nuts crushed by Edinburgh tram

An Edinburgh man was lucky not to have been crushed to death today as he crossed the road at the junction of Princes Street and St Andrew St. The tram, packed with exhausted tourists coming from the airport, was speeding… Continue Reading →

So is metal detecting on Portobello beach really as glamorous as it looks?

If you are anything like me then you will enjoy whiling away the hours of summer sunshine relaxing on Portbello beach when you get the chance. If you are then you will have undoubtedly spotted more than a few sexy… Continue Reading →

Scorsese, DeNiro & DiCaprio spotted checking out Morningside’s Wild West

One of the world’s most famous directors, Martin Scorsese and equally as famous Hollywood actors Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert DeNiro have been spotted in Morningside’s Wild West Street. Photo’s have been flooding social media platform The Twitter as surprised onlookers… Continue Reading →

Dalry spinster shocked and angry after receiving Council Tax bill for her pet parrot

So what’s odd about receiving a council tax bill you might be asking yourself. We all get one, am I right? Well how would YOU feel if you received a council tax bill for your pet PARROT!! That’s right your… Continue Reading →

Hackers stream round the clock porn on to Waverley Station notice board

Auchtermuchty hackers have taken over the notice board in Waverley Station and are streaming filthy porn movies on to it around the clock. Station managers are unable to do anything about it as access has been blocked by the clever… Continue Reading →

Edinburgh Council move step closer to carbon neutrality by ripping up Spaces for People measures

Edinburgh Council has announced that it will start removing Spaces for People measures in the city, including the removal of segregated cycle lanes. They claim that the removal of the measures are in keeping with it’s pledge to achieve carbon… Continue Reading →

Morningside resident treated for shock after neighbour says hello

A Morningside resident has been taken to hospital in the back of a Kwikfit van and treated for shock after her neighbour of ten years said hello to her whilst passing on the shared stairwell of their tenement block. Marjorie… Continue Reading →

Crisis averted as purple garlic returns to Stockbridge

It was touch and go for a few days this week in Stockbridge as local delicatessen ran out of purple garlic. Tempers were frayed and friendships stretched to the limit as the patience of the locals was tested to the… Continue Reading →

Edinburgh Estate Agents to continue wearing masks

After a unanimous vote at Wednesday night’s annual gathering of Edinburgh estate agents in the Balmoral Hotels’ Presidential Suite it has been decided that all Edinburgh estate agents will continue to wear masks. “We have always worn masks to some… Continue Reading →

Edinburgh supermarket bin is NOT a post box!

An Edinburgh supermarket has been forced to label its bin after customers continually confuse it for a post box. The supermarket has a small post office and customers have been dropping parcels into the bin mistaking it for a post… Continue Reading →

Shudder Belly propose Leaning Tower of Edinburgh

Shudder Belly’s relentless Disneyfication of Edinburgh has literally sank to all new levels with their latest proposal. Shudder Belly CEO Sylvester Fox submitted plans to Edinburgh Council which included a proposal to rename the iconic Scott Monument on Princes Street… Continue Reading →

Man attempts to rob bookmakers wearing a Harry Potter invisibility cloak

A 26 year old man has been jailed for 9 & 3/4 months for attempting to rob a Dalry bookmakers wearing a Harry Potter invisibility cloak. The attempted robbery took place during the largest cartoon horse race of the year,… Continue Reading →

Edinburgh man banned

A man from the Morningside area of Edinburgh has been banned after being caught. Joseph Kelly from Belhaven Terrace was walking along Morningside Road when he was stopped by two police officers and immediately taken into custody. Kelly later pleaded… Continue Reading →

Pentlands runner inhales a wasp

Paramedics and a mountain rescue helicopter were called out to the Pentland Hills to help a man suffering with breathing difficulties after ‘inhaling a wasp’. The 45 year old runner was ascending Scald Law with his girlfriend when he began… Continue Reading →

Catholics Masses flock to see Jesus in Comely Bank Avenue

Coach loads of Catholics are expected to swarm into Edinburgh over the coming days. They’ll be hoping to catch a glimpse of Jesus in Comely Bank Avenue. An apparition of him and his mother Mary have mysteriously appeared on opposite… Continue Reading →

Edinburgh council to sub contract out road team

After much discussion over coffee and muffins, paid for by the public purse, at last night’s council meeting in Starbucks on George Street it was agreed that the council would start to sub-contract out it’s road team from the start… Continue Reading →

Busker hits tourist in face with vomit covered shoe

A drunken Michael Jackson impersonator has accidentally hit an American tourist in the face with his vomit covered slip on shoe on Princes Street. Witnesses described festival favourite Mícheál MacJackson as being incredibly drunk and barely able to stand, but… Continue Reading →

City’s cardboard cops threaten strike action

Cardboard cops across Edinburgh & Midlothian have unanimously agreed to take strike action in protest at £0 pay rise and zero days additional holidays. “It’s feckin infuriating!” raged Cardboard Police Constable (CPC) Thomas Brown, who stands in Boot’s next to… Continue Reading →

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