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Can anything cause current fuel panic to escalate? Well if any thing can the jerry can can

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AS UK drivers turn feral as they scavenge the country for any remaining fuel canny Edinburgh residents have been taking extra precautions to avoid running out.

But fucking hell they’ve only gone and triggered fresh panic! This time for the humble jerry can!

As a result of the petrol crisis that is still gripping Scotland by the throat, sales of jerry cans have soared as more people stockpile petrol.

Jerry can sales at Halfords have gone through the roof this week and have been a whopping 17 times higher than they were this time last week.

A spokesman for Halfords said “I cannae believe what’s happening. We sold one jerry can in Scotland last week. This week we have sold 17 so far to twelve different customers as some really canny drivers bought more than one.

“It’s unprecedented. The demand is just crazy. We could see customers fighting each other in the streets for jerry cans if demand cannae be met in the days ahead. But thankfully it can. We have loads of them in stock.

“But, and this is a big but, we are taking extra precautions and training our cashiers in how to handle the pressure of scanning multiple barcodes in quick succession for extended periods

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Comedian & Martial Arts Expert Dara O’Briain teaching the art of survival

“Martial art expert and stand up comedian Dara O’Briain is beaming in live via Zoom from his Brexit proof bunker somewhere in the Snowdonia mountains to boost staff moral and to train them up in the art of self defense and food foraging.

In hindsight I could have cracked a joke about Dara O’Briain having a great sensei humour and how lucky staff were to be trained up in the art of shelf-defence but given the seriousness of the situation it’s probably just as well that I didn’t.

“Hopefully we will have no need for self defence but better safe than sorry. You just never know do you!?” continued the spokesman for Halfords

You never know indeed and as anyone that has read Lord of the Flies, or anyone that has traveled on an early morning weekend flight to Alicante on Ryanair well knows, it doesn’t take very much to tip the scales of our otherwise well balanced civilised society into the fiery pits of a bebauched Hieronymus Bosch-esque hellscape.

Stay safe everyone! Stay safe!

Edinburgh residents feared for their lives as two really loud helicopters circled the city

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Edinburgh residents were left shocked, stunned and in fear for their very lives as two military helicopters circled the capital like two low flying hungry vultures eyeing their prey.

The two low-flying choppers, believed to be property of either the Royal Navy or Royal Air Force, were spotted flying above the city center and circling close to residential areas, schools and children’s playgrounds before flying away again.

They could have been carrying high explosives, nukes even, which would have caused absolute carnage if they had crashed into a school, a playground or busy shopping center such as a packed St James Quarter.

One frightened resident told us: “”I was working from home when I heard a really loud noise outside. It sounded louder than a helicopter. When I looked out the window there were two helicopters. So clearly twice as loud as just one helicopter.

“They circled around for a bit and then headed into the distance. They got less noisy the further away they got. It was really scary but fascinating to watch!

“It makes you think just how close to death we all really are at any given time.

“Just think, they could have very easily turned around and launched a rocket or something right at my house and blown me to smithereens just like that” he said grimacing and snapping his fingers.

Another nervous resident said: “I was walking across the Meadows eating a steak bake from Greggs and I heard this rumbling in the sky like thunder.

“That’s odd I thought. It’s was a lovely sunny day. I looks up and there are two helicopters coming right towards me!

“SHIT! I shouted

“I thought we were under attack or something. So I dropped my steak bake and ran across the park screaming at people to run for cover!

“I had my mouth full of delicious pastry at the time and it was flying out everywhere. Everything felt like in slow motion.

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Man being shot down from a helicopter just like one of those spotted on the Meadows yesterday

“It was just like that movie Platoon! I thought I was a goner! I jumped behind a tree but by that time the helicopters had gone off in another direction.

“I was so relieved” he said holding out his still shaking hands.

Another concerned resident said: “I almost fell out of my car when I heard the loud rumbles!

“I had just gotten home from work and turned my car off, when I heard the helicopters flying overhead. I looked out and saw the two helicopters flying really low and immediately thought 911!! Here we go again!

“I checked the date on my watch. It was 29.09.21and I thought 9 + 9 + (2+1)2 is 999! Holy crap!

“I ducked behind my car and thought about my family. I was about to call the wife to warn her and realised the thundering noise of the helicopters had stopped. I looked up and they were gone

“I was so relieved. I feel a bit silly now but you never know these days do you!?”

A spokesperson from the Ministry of Defence confirmed that the two aircraft were definitely helicopters.

Were you affected by the thunderous roar of the two potentially heavily armed military helicopters flying overhead close to schools and children’s playgrounds? If so get in touch we would love to here your story!

Shoppers squeal like pigs accusing Aldi of being mistaken over makin fake bacon

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Aldi has recently announced a new meat-free bacon on The Facebook immediately sparking panic, outrage and disbelief amongst their loyal customers, with some calling for the supermarket to shut it’s doors permanently or at least think of renaming the product.

An angry drove of disgruntled customers swarmed within minutes of Aldi announcing it’s new ‘vegan bacon’ on its The Facebook page last week.

The product, which looks nothing like the real thing, is made from pea protein – but infuriated customers weren’t happy about the naming of the plant-based alternative.

The post currently has over ten thousand comments, many of which are from enraged consumers frothing at the mouth with complaints about the name of the meat-free bacon.

Meat free bacon
Meat free bacon

One furious The Facebook user wrote: “Could you please consider calling it something else?”

“Impossible … How can you make bacon from peas!? HOW!? 🥓 = 🐖 🥓 != 🌱!! ” demanded a second.

A third critic blasted: “Getting really fucked off with this now. You don’t want to eat the fetid flesh of a dead animal so why the hell would you want to eat a product that resembles it but is made from a much more sustainable source? Absolutely ridiculous!🖕🏻”

“Bacon is bacon which is meat. Peas are peas which are vegetables. This abomination is made of peas. Meat isn’t a vegetable like peas so why are you calling it bacon! Bacon comes from pigs not peas. Pigs are made of meat so surely so is bacon? 🤷‍♂️” exclaimed somebody else flogging their confused point to death.

Another keyboard warrior vented “I’m fucking infuriated and I don’t even eat bacon! 🤬🤯”.

However, not everyone was quite so offended by the new plant based product.

One joker posted “Aldi peas don’t go bacon my heart! 💔😂”

Jester number two quickly followed with “Sounds like all you guys are suffering from a serious bacon addiction. Luckily for you lot it can be cured! 😂😂😂”

Oink Now Babe: Tastiest Dead Pig In Town
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We hit the street to see what the Edinburgh public thought of Aldi’s flesh free bacon.

“I envy the people who’s biggest worry in life is what Aldi are calling their fake bacon,” said one bemused Princes Street shopper.

“Fuck off and give my head peace!” said another rather uptight shopper before storming off along George Street.

So there you have it! What do you think? Bacon or not bacon. Pig or pea. What’s it to be? Get involved on the debate. Leave a comment below.

Edinburgh gaming fanatic diagnosed with tiredness after spending hours playing games

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A 22-year-old gaming fanatic has been diagnosed with tiredness, something that usually affects people at least in their thirties, after spending too many hours glued to her many gaming screens.

Trainee kitchen designer Elica Hobs, who has just started an internship with an award winning Edinburgh based kitchen design company, first noticed she was becoming sensitive to light and yawning more than usual.

It rapidly progressed to red puffy eyes and a dry mouth, which was later diagnosed as a secondary condition commonly known as thirst.

Blaming herself for her diagnosis Elica said: “I’ve spent a lot of time being angry at myself.

“Both of these conditions are preventable which is so frustrating.

“I feel like I could have easily prevented them, which sounds really silly, but it’s one of those things you end up beating yourself up over when you realise what’s causing these problems.

Miss Hobs continued: “I love gaming, but when I realised that too much time spent in front of the computer was probably the root cause of my tiredness and thirst, I was devastated and really angry with myself.

A well rested woman drinking some water

“It took some time to come to terms with, because I struggled for a long time with feeling mad at myself about it.”

Elica says quick thinking doctors prescribed her various treatments, including spending less time playing games, sleeping more and drinking more fluids such as water and tea.

“It’s a so far so good with the treatment” she continued: “Tiredness and thirst can have a knock-on effect on people’s well being and can really get in the way of day to day life.

“My best advice would be to not suffer in silence and although there’s still a stigma attached to these conditions it’s very important to talk to someone about your tiredness and thirst. There are lots of options that can help you manage them.”

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“Sleeping more and drinking more fluids have been real game changers for me” said Elica.

Elica hopes to raise awareness of the prevalence of these potentially devastating conditions amongst the gaming community by touring Scotland’s schools and universities as that’s were a lot of gamers hang out apparently.

She hopes to rise funds to help her spread her message by holding a 48 hour gamathon at the end of October. More details and link to her GoFundMe page to follow.

Have you or do you know of anyone else who has been effected by these conditions due to too much gaming? What do you or they do to cope with them? Get in touch. Leave a comment below.

Man in a hurry for a McFlurry nearly gets his nuts crushed by Edinburgh tram

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An Edinburgh man was lucky not to have been crushed to death today as he crossed the road at the junction of Princes Street and St Andrew St.

The tram, packed with exhausted tourists coming from the airport, was speeding along Edinburgh’s main street. The tram driver, like a man possessed, was desperately trying to get to his next drop off point at St Andrew Square on time.

The pedestrian, who wishes to remain nameless, was about to cross the road on his way to grab a lunch time McFlurry from nearby McDonald’s when disaster almost struck.

“I was running to Micky D’s [McDonalds] trying to beat the lunchtime rush” said a shaken Mr Peter Pumpernickel who works at The Works on nearby Princes Street.

“I was checking my McFlurry voucher on the back of an old bus ticket to make sure it was still valid. I wasn’t paying attention and was just about to step out on to the road.”

“The next thing you know I hear this distinctive DING DING from an oncoming tram. It was absolutely flying. It must have been going at least 20mph!”

“I just had enough time to step back onto the footpath and wait for it to pass. I could see the anxiety written all over driver’s face and on some of the tourists’ faces who could see what was going on.”

Fortunately for Mr Pumpernickel, and for all the potential witnesses to what could have been an horrific and bloody accident, by the time the tram got to the junction the only thing that had turned red were the traffic lights.

Thankfully the tram driver was fully trained for this type of situation and had just enough time to apply the brakes and bring his streetcar named death to a screeching halt. Mr Pumpernickel was then able to proceed safely across the road.

“A close call by all accounts!” said a very relieved, and very lucky, Mr Pumpernickel.

“If I had been hit by that tram traveling at that speed at the corner of that junction I could easily have been knocked over. I might then have somehow fallen underneath the tram and been crushed to death… or worse!”

If the tram driver hadn’t dinged his bell when he did and the traffic lights hadn’t turned red when they did and Mr Pumpernickel had have stepped out in front of the speeding tram then this could have been a very very different story and as Mr Pumpernickel said things could have been much much worse!

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We reached out to Edinburgh Trams for a comment on what could have been a nasty fatal incident but wasn’t. As of the time of this article going to print they have yet to get back to us. Maybe they JUST DON’T CARE!!

Were you witness to this near horror show? Or maybe you have you been involved in your own near miss with a tram? Maybe you think these potential death trams should be banned from Princes Street all together? Join the debate. Leave a comment below.

Painted Penis Prevents Provincial Playoffs

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A large painted penis has brought members of a local bowling club to their knees!

Green keeper and part-time police officer George Grassman arrived to the club early Saturday morning to trim his green before the grand final of the Shot In The Dark sponsored Provincial Playoffs that were due to take place there that afternoon.

“I opens the gate into the green and goes ‘Hello hello hello! What’s all this then!?’ On closer inspection I saw that it was a great big freshly painted cock and balls. At least 30 foot long it was! I couldn’t believe my bleedin eyes!”

“I got on the blower to the guv’nor who arrived down 30 minutes later to assess the damage”

Choking back tears Club Captain Barry Bowles described the scene when he arrived onto the green.

“When I came on to the green George was at the tip of the cock. I was standing next to the testicles. It was absolutely massive, really wide too. It was a monster of a thing. What sort of sad bast**d would do such a thing!?” sobbed Bowles “On the day of a big final play off too! Bast**d people!”

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“We tried to rub the tip off using our hands but it was just making things worse. We ended up getting white splodges everywhere” said Grassman “It was never going to be cleaned up in time for the final. So we had to pull the plug unfortunately”.

“When the others arrived, we broke the news and it was decided that instead of us all blowing our tops we should form a prayer ring around the giant penis and pray for the poor fellow who did this. So we got down on our hands and knees and offered up our thoughts and prayers” said Bowles. “Then we had a group hug. We all felt much better after that.”

“We discharged the umpires and other volunteers from their duties for the day and will try to reschedule the final for next Saturday. But that all depends on whether we can get the painted penis removed on time. We’ll do our best to pull it off” said Grassman.

So is metal detecting on Portobello beach really as glamorous as it looks?

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If you are anything like me then you will enjoy whiling away the hours of summer sunshine relaxing on Portbello beach when you get the chance.

If you are then you will have undoubtedly spotted more than a few sexy metal detectorists clutching their rods as they ply their titillating trade along the sea front of a summer eve.

Detectorists director and star Mackenzie Crook

It does appear that the number of these seductive enthusiasts has rocketed since the very popular BBC series Detectorists, directed by and starring Hollywood heart throb Mackenzie Crook, first aired in 2014.

But is being a hot metal detectorist really as glamorous as it looks?

Well I buckled my chastity belt tight and slid my dome into my metal detectorist detectorist hat and went in the search of answers.

And just like buses, after a few hours of waiting patiently on one to show up two arrive in quick succession.

We caught up with local Portobello detectorist Luke Harder to find out why he enjoyed metal detecting so much and to see if he thought it was as God damn sexy as the rest of us.

The foxy tease is wearing a pair of tight denim shorts and a figure hugging black t-shirt with the slogan in white lettering “Metal Detectorists Do It Standing Up!”

“I bet you do big man! Brings a whole new meaning to sex on the beach doesn’t it!?” I jest giving him a little wink and pretending to lick the rim of my invisible cocktail glass.

“You what?” he asks.

“You know!” I reply pointing at his t-shirt.

“Oh this!” he says as he pulls his t-shirt down to cover the bottom of his protruding stomach “Aye, my mum bought this for me for my 45th birthday last week” he replied.

“Oh, I see.”

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After a short awkward pause we continue.

“Anyway, so as a metal detectorist do you think metal detecting is as sexy as we all do?” I ask him.

“Ha! Sexy!? Naw not all. I just like to go down on the beach. When I’m down there I like to get me rod out and wave it around and see what I can find buried underneath the sand. Then I’ll go home and maybe pick up a saucy Pot Noodle on the way.”

“If it’s been a good day I’ll maybe grab a couple of nice fresh baps and we make a saucy Pot Noodle sandwich with them when I get back to the house.”

“Is that some sort of metal detectorist euphemism for something?” I ask excitedly.

“A what?” asks Mr Harder.

“You know, is that some sort of naughty metal detectorist code your talking in?” I ask as my heart rate shoots off the chart, according to my FitBit.

Saucy Pot Noodle with two bread rolls

“No not at all. I really do like the Saucy Thai Red Curry Rice Pot Noodle and so does my mum. So if I find more than £2.50 in an evening I get one of those and two fresh baps so me and my mum can enjoy a pot noodle sandwich together when I get home” replied Mr Harder.

“You live with your mum?” I ask Mr Harder.

“Aye, I never moved out. Been there all my life. Apart from the time I went to Glasgow for the weekend in November 2004 for a metal detector conference in the Scottish Event Campus. That was a great weekend” replied Mr Harder

“Hmmm… ok. So what has been your biggest find to date?” I ask as I try to think of ways bring our interview to a close.

“I found a fiver once. That was nothing to do with the actual metal detector though. Obviously!” he giggles.

“And how are you getting on this evening so far?”

75p and a key

“So far I’ve found 75p and a key” he replies excitedly retrieving his bounty from his back pocket and proudly showing it to me.

“Another £1.75 to go then I can enjoy saucy noodle sandwiches with mumsy!” he rejoices.

And with that I wish him well and bring our interview to a close. I decide not to risk interviewing the second detectorist and as I walk along the beach back towards my car I can’t help but think of the quote “Never meet your heroes”.

And although Luke Harder is not exactly my hero I can’t help but think that sometimes reality really sucks and its probably best to continue to just live in a dream.

“Two pound coin!” I hear a shout behind me.

I look around and see a delighted Luke holding something above his head.

“Two pound coin!” he shouts again.

It looks like Lucky Luke will be dining on saucy pot noodle sandwiches with mumsy tonight. Living the dream Luke. Living the dream.

Scorsese, DeNiro & DiCaprio spotted checking out Morningside’s Wild West

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One of the world’s most famous directors, Martin Scorsese and equally as famous Hollywood actors Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert DeNiro have been spotted in Morningside’s Wild West Street.

Photo’s have been flooding social media platform The Twitter as surprised onlookers gathered round to watch the famous quartet wondering around taking notes and plenty of photos on their fancy phones.

It is thought they were scoping out possible locations for Scorsese’s first attempt at directing a western.

This urban Wild West town is one of Edinburgh’s many hidden gems and is tucked away in the heart of Morningside, just off Springvalley Gardens and would make a perfect location for a Scorsese blockbuster.

By coincidence it is not far from Cafe [De]Nero on Morningside Road. We are not sure if the duo enjoyed an espresso or two there. Unconfirmed reports suggest not.

Scorsese's camera assistant Eyam Yermann
Scorcese’ camera assistant and DeNiro’s stunt double Eyam Yermann

We contacted Hollywood to see if there was any truth in the rumours of Scorsese’ first western movie being shot in Edinburgh. We have yet to hear back from anyone.

We did however manage to track down Scorsese’s camera assistant Eyam Yermann who is also DeNiro’s occasional stunt double.

He initially turned down our request for a comment but later changed his mind when we offered him four crisp £5 notes and a voucher for two free coffees from Cafe [De]Nero.

“Yes, there is talk of Scorsese shooting a western in Edinburgh as long as the location is right. And from what I hear he was very very impressed by what he saw at Wild West Street on Morningside.” said Yermann

“He said it was like he had gone back in time and was walking through the main street of Dodge City!”

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We spoke to one local resident who got caught up in the kerfuffle on her way home from the shops.

“I was just making my way back from Marks & Sparks [Spencers] with my bag of yellow stickered croissants and I see a crowd causing quite the commotion on Springvalley Gardens.” says Morningside resident Anastasia Lovehandel-Dampfnudel.

“Of course I had to check it out so see what was happening. Next thing you know I’m standing outside the cantina beside Leonardo DiCaprio who was cracking a joke about the size of Robert DeNiro’s nose. Right into Robert’s face!”

“The crowd was loving it but Robert was furious and Martin Scorsese was trying to calm things down. I managed to grab a shot of the moment on my iPhone. It was all quite surreal really.”

Someone who looks very like DeCaprio counts to one at the window of his Morningside Park Airbnb

Some photos that have appeared on The Twitter suggest that the quintet are staying in an Airbnb just round the corner at number 57 Morningside Park.

We called at the door to confirm but there was nobody in at the time. However, there was a note for the milkman requesting two pints of full fat and one pint of almond milk. It is widely known that DeCaprio is a very vocal vegan.

Have you seen the trio whilst out and about in the city? If so we would love to here from you. Comment below or send us a tweet on The Twitter or an Instagram using the hashtag #heresaphotoofdenirodicaprioandscorseseoutandaboutinedinburgh

  • Main photo courtesy of Anastasia Lovehandel-Dampfnudel

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Dalry spinster shocked and angry after receiving Council Tax bill for her pet parrot

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So what’s odd about receiving a council tax bill you might be asking yourself. We all get one, am I right?

Well how would YOU feel if you received a council tax bill for your pet PARROT!! That’s right your pet PARROT!!

That’s exactly what happened to Dalry spinster Bromagh Idrosis, 42, who has described her shock and horror at receiving a bill for her pet parrot ‘Ice Pick Mike’ for £1797.77.

The bill was issued to Mike Idrosis, the parrot, who has Tourette’s Syndrome and spends most of his day shouting obscenities at the TV from his perch in the corner of Miss Idrosis’ living room.

One and a half passion fruit

“£1797.77 would buy a lot of Mike’ favourite food. He has expensive tastes and only eats passion fruits. So this money could but 4315 of them to be precise.”

“He is very passionate” says Miss Idrosis as she adoringly gazes up at Ice Pick Mike.

“I’ll sleep with you for five bucks an hour you dirty old bastard!” shrieks Ice Pick Mike from his perch.

“I’m sorry, it’s his Tourettes” explains Miss Idrosis.

“It’s ok, I understand” I say trying to reassure Miss Idrosis who is clearly very embarrassed.

“I’m only 38 though. Do I look that old to you?” I ask Miss Idrosis.

“I thought you were only 30. Don’t pay any attention to anything he says though” she replies as reassuringly as she can.

“Are you a dom or a sub? Would you take it up the ass!” screams Ice Pick Mike.

We sit in silence for a few minutes in the hope that Ice Pick Mike settles down.

“Anyway about this bill. So it must have given you quite the shock” I ask.

“It certainly did. I began to worry about how I was going to get the money to pay it. I’ve tried phoning the council but all I get is this maze of ‘press number one’ then ‘press number two’ then ‘press one’ again and round and round it goes. It’s impossible to get to speak to a human being any more” laments Miss Idrosis.

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“My friend is in her 70’s and has a heart condition and high blood pressure and vertigo and she also owns a parrot. It’s lucky they didn’t send this bill to her, she might have keeled over!” says Miss Idrosis.

“I’m going to wank the dick on my head!

“I’m sorry.

“I’m not sorry.

Lubricant!!

“How much money do you make?” shrieks Ice Pick Mike.

We try to ignore him and continue our conversation.

“This is clearly an obvious mistake on Edinburgh Council’s part Miss Idrosis. I’ll call them now and see what’s going on” I say trying to put her mind to rest.

“Wow, check out fucking Sherlock Holmes over here! Call the police!” screams Ice Pick Mike.

I call a personal contact in Edinburgh Council who has asked to remain anonymous. I get through straight away to her secretary.

“Hi there, can I speak with Mrs Maddy Cash, head of accounts please?” I ask.

I get straight through and as we start to discuss Miss Idrosis’ case with Mrs Cash, Ice Pick Mike flies over.

“Press one for butt fun! Press two to poke the poo!” he yelps straight into my phone.

“Who was that!?” asks a rather surprised Mrs Cash.

I spend the next ten minutes trying to explain that Edinburgh Council had mistakenly sent a tax bill to Miss Idrosis’ parrot who just happens to have Tourettes’ Syndrome and that it was he who was responsible for the crude comments. After the way our last phone call went I’m not sure she believes me.

A sultry Steve McQueen looks at something pensively

After some to-ing and fro-ing we finally get the bill cancelled much to the delight of Miss Bromagh Idrosis and her pet parrot Ice Pick Mike.

Before I go I ask Miss Idrosis why she calls her parrot Ice Pick Mike.

“I love Steve McQueen you see and Ice Pick Mike is my fav tune from the soundtrack of one of his best movies, Bullit” she replies almost swooning.

“I’ll shoot cum bullets all over your dad” screams Ice Pick Mike as he flies overhead.

And with that we decide to call it a day. A very very strange day indeed.

An Edinburgh Council spokesman said: “We have systems to try ensure these errors are not made so I’m at a loss to say why this happened. We offer our apologies and a free day pass to Edinburgh Zoo for both Miss Idrosis and her pet parrot.”

Have you ever been sent a bill in error? Have you got or know anyone who owns a mad pet? Get in touch. We’d love to hear from you. Comment below 🙂

Hackers stream round the clock porn on to Waverley Station notice board

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Auchtermuchty hackers have taken over the notice board in Waverley Station and are streaming filthy porn movies on to it around the clock.

Station managers are unable to do anything about it as access has been blocked by the clever hackers who have changed all the usernames and passwords.

“This is what happens when you fail to change your password on a regular basis” bemoaned station chief Mimi Strain

“One of our admin team’s password was ‘password’! Can you believe that!? We think that’s how this crack team of Auchtermuchty hackers gained access.”

“You’re sure that the hackers are from Auchtermuchty?” I ask Miss Strain.

Auchtermuchty Bowling Club

“Yes, well we’ve done some of our own counter hacking, if you will, and found that their IP address led us to the Auchtermuchty Bowling Club”

“We called them up and of course they denied all knowledge of any hacking activity going on from their premises. The only ones there at the time were the barman and some guy who was too drunk to even remember his own name.”

“So how have your passengers been taking it? Please pardon my pun” I ask Miss Strain

“Well there have been a few complaints, especially from the elderly, but the biggest problem has been passengers being late for their trains.”

“They get more than a little titillated by what’s on display and forget all about their train journeys. So we have to make more regular announcements reminding passengers as to why they are actually here.”

“Some folk have even brought deck chairs in along with packed lunches or they just grab a meal deal from Boots or a coffee from Costa and take a seat to enjoy the show. Unbelievable really!”

“We’ve even had to raise the price of using the toilet from 30p to 50p to over the extra cleaning and restocking costs due to the sharp rise in usage since this all began” smirks Miss Strain.

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“We are at a bit of a loss as what to do to be honest. We can’t turn it off as it’s all connected to the main train departure arrival notice board and that would cause chaos.”

“Could you not cover it up with a sheet or something?” I ask Miss Strain.

“We did discuss that but a few of the lads were very, if not overly, concerned it might cause a fire hazard and persuaded us to abandon that idea.”

“So for now it’s an Over 18 only train station and all under 18s are being redirected to Haymarket station. Just until we get this mess all sorted out” says Miss Strain who then returned to her deck chair next to her other colleagues in time for the beginning of the latest offering Forrest Pump.

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