AS UK drivers turn feral as they scavenge the country for any remaining fuel canny Edinburgh residents have been taking extra precautions to avoid running out.

But fucking hell they’ve only gone and triggered fresh panic! This time for the humble jerry can!

As a result of the petrol crisis that is still gripping Scotland by the throat, sales of jerry cans have soared as more people stockpile petrol.

Jerry can sales at Halfords have gone through the roof this week and have been a whopping 17 times higher than they were this time last week.

A spokesman for Halfords said “I cannae believe what’s happening. We sold one jerry can in Scotland last week. This week we have sold 17 so far to twelve different customers as some really canny drivers bought more than one.

“It’s unprecedented. The demand is just crazy. We could see customers fighting each other in the streets for jerry cans if demand cannae be met in the days ahead. But thankfully it can. We have loads of them in stock.

“But, and this is a big but, we are taking extra precautions and training our cashiers in how to handle the pressure of scanning multiple barcodes in quick succession for extended periods

“Martial art expert and stand up comedian Dara O’Briain is beaming in live via Zoom from his Brexit proof bunker somewhere in the Snowdonia mountains to boost staff moral and to train them up in the art of self defense and food foraging.

In hindsight I could have cracked a joke about Dara O’Briain having a great sensei humour and how lucky staff were to be trained up in the art of shelf-defence but given the seriousness of the situation it’s probably just as well that I didn’t.

“Hopefully we will have no need for self defence but better safe than sorry. You just never know do you!?” continued the spokesman for Halfords

You never know indeed and as anyone that has read Lord of the Flies, or anyone that has traveled on an early morning weekend flight to Alicante on Ryanair well knows, it doesn’t take very much to tip the scales of our otherwise well balanced civilised society into the fiery pits of a bebauched Hieronymus Bosch-esque hellscape.

Stay safe everyone! Stay safe!

Edinburgh residents were left shocked, stunned and in fear for their very lives as two military helicopters circled the capital like two low flying hungry vultures eyeing their prey.

The two low-flying choppers, believed to be property of either the Royal Navy or Royal Air Force, were spotted flying above the city center and circling close to residential areas, schools and children’s playgrounds before flying away again.

They could have been carrying high explosives, nukes even, which would have caused absolute carnage if they had crashed into a school, a playground or busy shopping center such as a packed St James Quarter.

One frightened resident told us: “”I was working from home when I heard a really loud noise outside. It sounded louder than a helicopter. When I looked out the window there were two helicopters. So clearly twice as loud as just one helicopter.

“They circled around for a bit and then headed into the distance. They got less noisy the further away they got. It was really scary but fascinating to watch!

“It makes you think just how close to death we all really are at any given time.

“Just think, they could have very easily turned around and launched a rocket or something right at my house and blown me to smithereens just like that” he said grimacing and snapping his fingers.

Another nervous resident said: “I was walking across the Meadows eating a steak bake from Greggs and I heard this rumbling in the sky like thunder.

“That’s odd I thought. It’s was a lovely sunny day. I looks up and there are two helicopters coming right towards me!

“SHIT! I shouted

“I thought we were under attack or something. So I dropped my steak bake and ran across the park screaming at people to run for cover!

“I had my mouth full of delicious pastry at the time and it was flying out everywhere. Everything felt like in slow motion.

“It was just like that movie Platoon! I thought I was a goner! I jumped behind a tree but by that time the helicopters had gone off in another direction.

“I was so relieved” he said holding out his still shaking hands.

Another concerned resident said: “I almost fell out of my car when I heard the loud rumbles!

“I had just gotten home from work and turned my car off, when I heard the helicopters flying overhead. I looked out and saw the two helicopters flying really low and immediately thought 911!! Here we go again!

“I checked the date on my watch. It was 29.09.21and I thought 9 + 9 + (2+1)² is 999! Holy crap!

“I ducked behind my car and thought about my family. I was about to call the wife to warn her and realised the thundering noise of the helicopters had stopped. I looked up and they were gone

“I was so relieved. I feel a bit silly now but you never know these days do you!?”

A spokesperson from the Ministry of Defence confirmed that the two aircraft were definitely helicopters.

Were you affected by the thunderous roar of the two potentially heavily armed military helicopters flying overhead close to schools and children’s playgrounds? If so get in touch we would love to here your story!

Aldi has recently announced a new meat-free bacon on The Facebook immediately sparking panic, outrage and disbelief amongst their loyal customers, with some calling for the supermarket to shut it’s doors permanently or at least think of renaming the product.

An angry drove of disgruntled customers swarmed within minutes of Aldi announcing it’s new ‘vegan bacon’ on its The Facebook page last week.

The product, which looks nothing like the real thing, is made from pea protein – but infuriated customers weren’t happy about the naming of the plant-based alternative.

The post currently has over ten thousand comments, many of which are from enraged consumers frothing at the mouth with complaints about the name of the meat-free bacon.

One furious The Facebook user wrote: “Could you please consider calling it something else?”

“Impossible … How can you make bacon from peas!? HOW!? 🥓 = 🐖 🥓 != 🌱!! ” demanded a second.

A third critic blasted: “Getting really fucked off with this now. You don’t want to eat the fetid flesh of a dead animal so why the hell would you want to eat a product that resembles it but is made from a much more sustainable source? Absolutely ridiculous!🖕🏻”

“Bacon is bacon which is meat. Peas are peas which are vegetables. This abomination is made of peas. Meat isn’t a vegetable like peas so why are you calling it bacon! Bacon comes from pigs not peas. Pigs are made of meat so surely so is bacon? 🤷‍♂️” exclaimed somebody else flogging their confused point to death.

Another keyboard warrior vented “I’m fucking infuriated and I don’t even eat bacon! 🤬🤯”.

However, not everyone was quite so offended by the new plant based product.

One joker posted “Aldi peas don’t go bacon my heart! 💔😂”

Jester number two quickly followed with “Sounds like all you guys are suffering from a serious bacon addiction. Luckily for you lot it can be cured! 😂😂😂”

We hit the street to see what the Edinburgh public thought of Aldi’s flesh free bacon.

“I envy the people who’s biggest worry in life is what Aldi are calling their fake bacon,” said one bemused Princes Street shopper.

“Fuck off and give my head peace!” said another rather uptight shopper before storming off along George Street.

So there you have it! What do you think? Bacon or not bacon. Pig or pea. What’s it to be? Get involved on the debate. Leave a comment below.

A 22-year-old gaming fanatic has been diagnosed with tiredness, something that usually affects people at least in their thirties, after spending too many hours glued to her many gaming screens.

Trainee kitchen designer Elica Hobs, who has just started an internship with an award winning Edinburgh based kitchen design company, first noticed she was becoming sensitive to light and yawning more than usual.

It rapidly progressed to red puffy eyes and a dry mouth, which was later diagnosed as a secondary condition commonly known as thirst.

Blaming herself for her diagnosis Elica said: “I’ve spent a lot of time being angry at myself.

“Both of these conditions are preventable which is so frustrating.

“I feel like I could have easily prevented them, which sounds really silly, but it’s one of those things you end up beating yourself up over when you realise what’s causing these problems.

Miss Hobs continued: “I love gaming, but when I realised that too much time spent in front of the computer was probably the root cause of my tiredness and thirst, I was devastated and really angry with myself.

“It took some time to come to terms with, because I struggled for a long time with feeling mad at myself about it.”

Elica says quick thinking doctors prescribed her various treatments, including spending less time playing games, sleeping more and drinking more fluids such as water and tea.

“It’s a so far so good with the treatment” she continued: “Tiredness and thirst can have a knock-on effect on people’s well being and can really get in the way of day to day life.

“My best advice would be to not suffer in silence and although there’s still a stigma attached to these conditions it’s very important to talk to someone about your tiredness and thirst. There are lots of options that can help you manage them.”

“Sleeping more and drinking more fluids have been real game changers for me” said Elica.

Elica hopes to raise awareness of the prevalence of these potentially devastating conditions amongst the gaming community by touring Scotland’s schools and universities as that’s were a lot of gamers hang out apparently.

She hopes to rise funds to help her spread her message by holding a 48 hour gamathon at the end of October. More details and link to her GoFundMe page to follow.

Have you or do you know of anyone else who has been effected by these conditions due to too much gaming? What do you or they do to cope with them? Get in touch. Leave a comment below.

An Edinburgh man was lucky not to have been crushed to death today as he crossed the road at the junction of Princes Street and St Andrew St.

The tram, packed with exhausted tourists coming from the airport, was speeding along Edinburgh’s main street. The tram driver, like a man possessed, was desperately trying to get to his next drop off point at St Andrew Square on time.

The pedestrian, who wishes to remain nameless, was about to cross the road on his way to grab a lunch time McFlurry from nearby McDonald’s when disaster almost struck.

“I was running to Micky D’s [McDonalds] trying to beat the lunchtime rush” said a shaken Mr Peter Pumpernickel who works at The Works on nearby Princes Street.

“I was checking my McFlurry voucher on the back of an old bus ticket to make sure it was still valid. I wasn’t paying attention and was just about to step out on to the road.”

“The next thing you know I hear this distinctive DING DING from an oncoming tram. It was absolutely flying. It must have been going at least 20mph!”

“I just had enough time to step back onto the footpath and wait for it to pass. I could see the anxiety written all over driver’s face and on some of the tourists’ faces who could see what was going on.”

Fortunately for Mr Pumpernickel, and for all the potential witnesses to what could have been an horrific and bloody accident, by the time the tram got to the junction the only thing that had turned red were the traffic lights.

Thankfully the tram driver was fully trained for this type of situation and had just enough time to apply the brakes and bring his streetcar named death to a screeching halt. Mr Pumpernickel was then able to proceed safely across the road.

“A close call by all accounts!” said a very relieved, and very lucky, Mr Pumpernickel.

“If I had been hit by that tram traveling at that speed at the corner of that junction I could easily have been knocked over. I might then have somehow fallen underneath the tram and been crushed to death… or worse!”

If the tram driver hadn’t dinged his bell when he did and the traffic lights hadn’t turned red when they did and Mr Pumpernickel had have stepped out in front of the speeding tram then this could have been a very very different story and as Mr Pumpernickel said things could have been much much worse!

We reached out to Edinburgh Trams for a comment on what could have been a nasty fatal incident but wasn’t. As of the time of this article going to print they have yet to get back to us. Maybe they JUST DON’T CARE!!

Were you witness to this near horror show? Or maybe you have you been involved in your own near miss with a tram? Maybe you think these potential death trams should be banned from Princes Street all together? Join the debate. Leave a comment below.