13.9 C
Edinburgh
Sunday, August 14, 2022
Home Blog Page 3

Roman themed Hadrian’s Brewhouse set to open in the city

0

Edinburgh businessman Malti Hops has announced his return to the business arena with plans to open a Roman themed Brewhouse on Melville Drive in the city.

Hops had been banned from running a business for seven years after his previous enterprise Hops Scotch was ruled to have been promoting the consumption of whiskey among school children.

“That was a massive misunderstanding” replied Mr Hops when I asked him about the ban.

Hop Scotch

“All we did was contact some primary schools and councils throughout Scotland to see if we could increase our brand awareness amongst parents by sponsoring kids playgrounds and placing our logo above the Hop Scotch grids”

“Next thing you know it gets blown out of all proportion by the media and I get banned and the company is dissolved.”

“Anyway that’s all in the past now. We’ve learned from it and are moving forward like a finely tuned Roman garrison with our new plan. Hadrian’s Brewhouse.”

“So tell us a bit more about this new brewhouse of yours” I ask him.

“Well we got the idea of a Roman themed brewhouse on Melville Drive from the fact that the Romans once built a road right along the street taking them to their base in Cramond. This was long before Melville Drive even existed of course” replied Mr Hops.

“Of course” I nod in agreement.

“So from that we came up with the idea of Hadrian’s Brewhouse. Hadrian being the one responsible for the building of Hadrian’s Wall not far from here actually” continued Hops pointing towards Fife.

“Indeed” I reply continuing to nod in agreement.

“So in keeping with Roman culture our brewhouse will have the Drink Aware Vomitorium™ for those who have had a few too many but would like to continue drinking, responsibly of course.”

“Of course!” I reply continuing to nod in agreement. The nodding then begins to hurt a little so I stop.

“We will also have an open plan Pumpeii Lupanarium™ for clients, who have hit it off and fancy a quick knee trembler without having to go outside. It does get a bit chilly round these parts, especially in the winter.” says Mr Hops

“It does indeed. January and February can be particularly brutal here in Edinburgh or should I say Edinburrr!!” I reply with a little giggle and pretend shiver.

“Not the weather for a bit of out door how’s your father” I continue, giving Mr Hops a little nudge with my elbow.

“Absolutely” he replies.

“We will also provide private Barium Bottom Booths™ for a little extra of course. Very clean and no cameras. We will of course cater for groups as well.”

Race Day Loans from Shot In The Dark
Advertisement

“And for the hot heads out there who fancy lettin off a bit of steam with their fists we will have the Shot In The Dark Colosseum™ sponsored of course by local Dalry bookmakers Shot In The Dark. They will also be opening a book on each fight so everyone can join in.”

“There will be an Hadrians Brewhouse app coming soon so anyone can tune in to watch a fight and place a bet. Really exciting stuff!” enthused Mr Hops.

“And last but not least and this one has to be off the record ok? You can’t print this. Deal?”

“Deal” I reply before high fiving Mr Hops.

“We will also be opening the Vesuvius Paradise Palace™ where clients enter two at a time to indulge in some of the old Roman garrison marching powder.”

“You know what I mean, you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, say no more say no more” shouts Mr Hops who has adopted a rather posh English accent all of a sudden.

“I think I understand” I reply. “You are providing a room for your clients to use for the purpose of the consumption of elicit drugs. Is that correct?”

“In one!” says Mr Hops clapping his hands together. “Strictly off the record though.”

“My lips and nostrils are sealed” I assure him with a little wink.

“So when will you be opening your establishment?” I ask.

“Well we have just secured premises directly across the road from Victor Hugo’s. We wanted that location so we could use the Romans versus the French Gauls angle in our advertising.”

“You know Julius Caesar versus Asterix sort of thing. Only this time we are in charge of the magic potions. Our very own home brew in the house!” shouts Mr Hops. Again.

“So hopefully we can open our doors in the next few weeks.”

“Well if I”m ever Roman around the area I’ll drop in” I jest “Did you see what I did there?”

“I sure did” giggles Hops “As soon as we open I’ll give you a call-igula!”.

“Ha! When you do I’ll place an order for five beers please!” I say giving him the two finger victory sign.

“Roman numeral for five, do you get it?” I ask all pleased with myself.

“Ha! What is 3000 converted into Roman Numerals?” asks Hops.

“Mmm….” I ponder.

“Exactly” says Hops before walking off.

Edinburgh Council move step closer to carbon neutrality by ripping up Spaces for People measures

0

Edinburgh Council has announced that it will start removing Spaces for People measures in the city, including the removal of segregated cycle lanes. They claim that the removal of the measures are in keeping with it’s pledge to achieve carbon neutrality sometime in the future. Hopefully. Fingers Crossed.

“Achieving carbon neutral status in Edinburgh is no mean feat and it’s going to involve a Herculean effort by public bodies and partners right across the city. The scale of the challenge is huge, but what our work to date has shown is that this is achievable.”

“We’ve identified that the removal of bicycle lanes and reduction in the size of footpaths and parks and increasing road traffic everywhere we possibly can will help to reduce our carbon impact.” says straight faced Edinburgh council leader Adam McVey clambering out of his new gas guzzling yellow and black Porsche Boxster.

We’ve heard this all before have we not?” I ask him.

“You may have done, because that is the truth and I only speak the truth” he said without a hint of a smile.

“You don’t think that you’re sending out a confusing message to city residents? One minute you’re touting plans to introduce low emission zones, reduce traffic, increase bike lanes etcetera in the drive to carbon neutrality then the next minute your increasing emissions, increasing traffic and removing bike lanes” I ask him.

“Not at all, it’s very clear what we are doing. We are removing cycle lanes, reducing the width of footpaths, reducing the size of all parks and green spaces. Any space used by cyclists and pedestrians we will be reducing it. Even Arthur’s Seat. We will then increase traffic throughout the city making the place unbearable to walk and cycle around.”

“But our analysis has shown that over time these measures will cause a massive drop in emissions and climate disaster will be averted as a result thanks to the Herculean efforts of our citizens.”

“That makes absolutely no sense Adam” I say.

Learn the art of talking shite
Advertisement

“Of course it does” he replies as he pats my shoulder before hoping back into his Porsche and driving off along the footpath on Princes Street blasting his horn and shouting at oncoming pedestrians who have to scramble to get out of his way.

So how do you feel about the removal of Spaces for People in order to increase traffic flow through the city? Is it in keeping with the council’s low emission drive? We’d love to hear from you. Get involved. Leave a comment.

Morningside resident treated for shock after neighbour says hello

0

A Morningside resident has been taken to hospital in the back of a Kwikfit van and treated for shock after her neighbour of ten years said hello to her whilst passing on the shared stairwell of their tenement block.

Marjorie Mullet, who has lived in Edinburgh’s Morningside area for most of her adult life, was taken to nearby Royal Edinburgh Hospital after her neighbour’s cry for help around 2:30pm on Tuesday afternoon.

A tenement stair similar to the one mentioned

“I just said hello to her as we passed on the stair.” said neighbour Felicity Wicity “Marjorie just kind of slumped up against the wall, whimpered a little then slid to the floor.”

“She started to shiver and I think a little bit of wee came out. You’ll leave that bit out won’t you son?”

“Of course” I said “We wouldn’t want to embarrass her any more than we need to would we?”

“Thanks son. Anyway so I called for an ambulance. They said that it would take at least an hour to get here so I ran across the road to Kwikfit to see if they could help.”

“We was just fixing a slow puncture on JR Gowan’s fish van when this lady ran across the road screaming that her neighbour had collapsed on the stairs and needed taken to a hospital” said Kwikfit fitter Fitz Fisher.

“We thought it was a joke at first but JR kindly ran over and sure enough there she was shaking on the floor in a little pool of her own piss.”

“So we gets the work van, bunged her in the back and took her to the Royal Ed[inburgh]. I know it’s a psychiatric hospital but it’s the closest hospital to us and we had to get back to get the puncture fixed before 4:00pm”

Advertisement

We asked Ms Mullet if she had any recollection of the event.

“I was on my way to do the lotto and put on my day’s bets at the bookies. I was walking down the stair of my tenement checking my slips and I saw Mrs Wicity coming up.”

“We have never spoke in all the time I’ve lived here. You know what Edinburgh folk are like. They like to keep themselves to themselves” said Marjorie Mullet.

“As we got closer I moved to let her pass and she looked up and said ‘Hi Marjorie, how are you?’. I remember feeling a little light headed and I saw a bright light appear before me.”

“Next thing I know I’m being lifted out of the back of a Kwikfit van, by someone who smelt like a fishmonger and a Kwikfit mechanic, outside a psychiatric hospital!”

“It was quite a shock I can tell you. A kind doctor was waiting at the door and she helped me into a darkened room and spoke really gently to me. She gave me a paper bag to breath in and out of and a couple of pills to settle my nerves.”

“After a while I began to feel much better. I’d wet myself so she got me a pair of a dead patient’s pyjamas. They were a few sizes too big but they did the job.”

Chief Bromden
Chief Bromden

“They let me go a couple of hours later but I had to walk home in my Royal Edinburgh Hospital pyjamas. I got some odd looks on the way I can tell you! I felt like Chief Bromden, that big Indian chap who escaped from hospital in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” said Ms Mullet.

“It just goes to show you the power a few little words can have.” said Dr Amie Knutz, chief psychiatrist at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital. “A simple hello out of the blue can be enough to put the best of us over the edge.”

“I’d call on all Edinburgh residents to be very careful when tempted to be cordial to a neighbour or anyone for that matter. Best keep the head down and avoid eye and verbal contact at all times.”

“Even if you know the person sometimes it’s best to cross the street and pretend not to have seen them. Just to be on the safe side” advised Dr Knutz.

Have you said hello to anyone in Edinburgh recently? Or has anyone said hello to you while out and about in the city? What was their reaction? We’d love to hear from you. Get involved. Leave a comment.

Edinburgh Council step closer to carbon neutrality after renting Castle Street to Porsche

Edinburgh council has claimed to have edged a step closer to carbon neutrality after hiring out Castle Street to Porsche who are promoting their latest range of gas guzzling vehicles there.

“Achieving carbon neutral status in Edinburgh is no mean feat and it’s going to involve a Herculean effort by public bodies and partners right across the city. The scale of the challenge is huge, but what our work to date has shown is that this is achievable.”

“We’ve identified Porsche as an immediate partner, together in the short-term we can progress to reduce our carbon impact.” says straight faced Edinburgh council leader Adam McVey clambering out of his new yellow and black Porsche Boxster.

“You don’t think that you’re sending out a confusing message to city residents? One minute you’re touting plans to introduce low emission zones, reduce traffic, increase bike lanes etcetera in the drive to carbon neutrality then the next minute your hiring out Castle Street to Porsche” I ask him.

“It’s a bit like promoting McDonald’s or Burger King in a bid to tackle Scotland’s obesity problems is it not?”

“Not at all. Not at all. Come with me” says Councillor McVey

We walk behind the Porsche stand and he points to the big image printed on the back.

“Say what you see” says McVey pointing at the image.

“I see a Porsche driving on a mountain road” I reply.

“Yes but what else do you see?” he asks.

“I’m not here to play silly games Mr McVey but I see some birds and some wind turbines” I reply.

Exactly! Wind turbines!” McVey claps his hands in sync with each word.

“Clean energy!” he continues.

“Yeah, but they’re just in the photo! They aren’t connected in any way to the car apart from being in the same photo.”

He looks confused and after a short pause repeats his previous statement.

“But… but it’s clean energy!” he says moving closer to the image and pointing at the wind turbines.

“Yeah but the clean energy has nothing to do with the gas guzzling Porsche. There’s no connection apart from the two things being in the same image. It’s a trick.” I say but alas it’s too late as McVey has bolted back towards his shiny new Porsche Boxster whilst spouting more doublespeak.

Edinburgh Council step closer to carbon neutrality after renting Castle Street to Porsche

“Tackling climate change and our city’s carbon emissions is a shared responsibility that must be driven by strong partnerships with the likes of Porsche, Ineos and BP. Gotta run now. I’m a busy bee” says McVey.

He toots his horn and waves out the driver window as he buzzes off in his new yellow and black Boxster.

“To bee or not to bee” I shout after him. I have no idea what I was trying to say. It was in the heat of the moment.

So how do you feel about Castle Street being rented out to Porcshe? Is it in keeping with the council’s low emission drive? We’d love to hear from you. Get involved. Leave a comment.

Police begin to investigate bike theft six month after it was stolen

0

Imagine this. You have your bike stolen. You report it to the police. You even find it for sale on Gumtree the following day. You alert the police. Again. Then you hear nothing from them. Six months later you get a knock on your door. It’s the police calling to begin investigating the theft.

Sounds like something that would happen in somewhere like Glasgow right? Well you’d be wrong. It happened right here. In Edinburgh!

Rupert Milton woke up one frosty morn in February to find that his bike had been stolen from his shed. He reported the theft to police immediately who told him they would send someone out to investigate soon. That soon was six months later and not near soon enough!

“I even found it for them on Gumtree for fu*ck sake! They thanked me for the info and advised me not to contact them myself for safety reasons. They might be members of an organised crime gang he told me” mocks Rupert.

“What sort of organised crime gang would steal a bike then list it online along with their address and phone number on fu*cking Gumtree that same day!?” mocked Mr Milton.

“A not very well organised one?” I tentatively reply.

“Exactly!” says Mr Milton “Exactly!”

“Anyway I heard nothing from them then they call to the door six months later to investigate! Six months later! After the bike had been openly sold online!”

“I don’t want to bad-mouth the police but fu*ck me! Eat your fu*cking heart out Columbo. This is how to really crack a case! No need to waste time gathering evidence and investigating a case any more. Just pretend it didn’t fu*ckin happen.” says an irate Mr Milton.

“Poirot would be shi*tting himself in the company of these crime solving masterminds! Rebus would be crying into his pint overwhelmed by his feelings of inferiority. Sherlock would have OD’d on opium rather than spend time alongside these modern day super sleuths. I could go on” says Mr Milton.

“Please don’t. We get your point” I plead.

“We understand Mr Milton’s frustration at our response rate. You see the thing is we don’t really classify this sort of thing as theft anymore” says PC Lee Zeeman.

“It happens way too often and we end up getting bogged down with all the paper work and a lot of us simply can’t be arsed with it” admits PC Lee Zeeman.

“We’d much rather be sitting up the town in our fancy patrol cars trying out all the new coffee shops” he continues.

“There’s a new one opening every day these days. It’s absolutely tremendous. And as we no longer work weekends we have a lot to cram in Monday to Friday”

“So what would you say to anyone who has had their bike stolen in the Edinbrugh area” I ask PC Lee Zeeman.

He thinks for a minute before replying.

“I don’t know. Maybe go out and find one you like and steal that one?” he whispers “Don’t tell anyone I said that”

“Of course not. I would never do such a thing. That would be a shameful dereliction of duty” I assure him.

Crisis averted as purple garlic returns to Stockbridge

0

It was touch and go for a few days this week in Stockbridge as local delicatessen ran out of purple garlic.

Tempers were frayed and friendships stretched to the limit as the patience of the locals was tested to the fullest.

We spoke to local man Roger Ruggerbugger about his ordeal.

“I arrived to the shop on Saturday morning and noticed an angry mob outside. One lady was crying and being consoled by a traffic warden. As I got closer I noticed a sign on the window that said ‘Sorry, no purple garlic for the foreseeable‘”

“I could feel the rage surge through my veins instantly. ‘No purple garlic for the foreseeble!‘ I roared at the proprietor waving my cane like this” says RuggerBugger waving his cane at me in a threatening manner.

“He looked to me and must have seen the rage in my face” continues RuggerBugger “Next thing you know he runs indoors and locks the shop door. Coward!”

“I’ve never seen anything quite like it” says Wes Windle proprietor of Stockbridge delicatessen Joop’n Fleece.

A regular bulb of garlic

“I tried to console the crowd by offering free regular garlic but they started pelting me with them and screaming ‘We can’t eat this shit!‘.”

“They smashed a pane of glass on my door with a bulb of regular garlic for heaven sake! It was ruddy awful! I was afraid for my life!” sobs Windle.

The crowd hung around for some time arguing amongst themselves until Chris Windle was forced to call the police who arrived promptly to disperse the angry mob and collect a bag of free croissants as promised. For an extra couple of free almond croissants they then helped to board up the rest of the windows in case of any follow up attacks.

“I’ve been on the phone for two days trying to source purple garlic so things can get back to normal around here. Thankfully I tracked some down in Fife.”

“I had to pay top dollar for them but whatever it takes at this stage. They’ll never notice anyway. I can charge whatever I feel like for this stuff. The more it costs the more they buy” smirks Windle looking to his shelves of over priced produce.

Were you affected by the shortage or do you know anyone who was? Get in touch. The public needs to hear your story.

  • Edinburgh Council’s secret seagull mind control plan leaked Edinburgh Council’s secret seagull mind control plan leaked - Top secret plans revealing how Edinburgh Council set up a crack team in partnership with two ex CIA agents to train seagulls to clear up the city’s rubbish have been leaked to our head office. The heavily redacted papers reveal how a top secret department called E██ █e██ J███it ███z… Continue reading

Edinburgh gardener lands government role as head of infectious diseases department

From gardens to government. A part time Edinburgh gardener has been left flabbergasted at the news that she has been selected to head up the new UK Government Dept of Infectious Diseases.

Condo Terra who owns her own gardening business in the city received the call from Westminster on Wednesday morning.

“I obviously thought it was a joke at first. I’ve been very active on Twitter during the pandemic and the platform does attract it’s fair share of nut jobs and quacks so I was more than a little skeptical” says Condo.

“After a bit of a toing and froing, I was satisfied it was a genuine call. It’s hard to tell fact from fiction these days. There’s a lot of .. ”

Condo makes a cuckoo like whistling noise while rotating her index fingers around both her temple areas.

” … out there. One can’t be too careful” she smiles.

“Indeed” I agree.

“The government spokesperson told me that the current administration were very impressed with my in-depth knowledge of infectious diseases and had been keeping a close eye on my Twitter feed.”

“On Tuesday night a group of ‘so called’ highly trained and experienced specialists from around the world released some data concerning the current spread of Covid and what measures we should all be taking to slow the spread down.”

“I tweeted that they had obviously got it all wrong and that they should recheck their data. A lot of people agreed with me and liked my tweet. I went to bed satisfied that I had called these so called ‘experts’ out and that some people had been influenced by what I had said. I felt like my life finally had purpose.”

“Next thing I know I get a call first thing the following morning.” says Condo Terra

“It did take us a while to figure out what arse elves were and what they had to do with the current spread of Covid. But one of our boffins finally cracked it. A simple typo on Condo’s part.” giggles Phelan Betere, chief medical advisor to the current UK government.

“After correcting the remaining grammatical errors we all agreed with Condo and that we should sit down to go over the data one more time” he continues.

“The seed of doubt had been planted and in the end we threw our hands up and capitulated. Condo had a point, maybe!” continues Phelan Betere.

“We weren’t 100% certain. So we took a look back over her past tweets which included advice on boycotting China, to stop wearing masks, to avoid vaccines and to stop listening to professional infectious disease experts and look to the likes of Uri Geller the spoon bender for advice and guidance instead. She also called out self isolating after coming in contact with someone with Covid as utter madness.”

“We took all this data on board, discussed our findings and we all came to the same conclusion. We need her on board! So we high fived each other then I called the PM who was on a gifted holiday in the Seychelles with his bit on the … ”

At this point of our interview an official looking guy in a suit wearing dark glasses and an ear piece rushes over to Phelan Betere and whispers something in his ear.

“Sorry, can you take that last sentence out?” Phelan asks looking rather sheepish.

“Of course” I reply.

“What I meant to say was that I called the PM at his flat in Number 10 where he was with his wife and new born child. I told him the situation and he gave us the all clear.”

“We called Condo and told her we would love to have her on board Hygieia, the ship of the nations health, to help steer it through the stormy waters of infectious disease and onto the more tranquil seas of collective health and well-being.”

“We are pleased to say that, despite her telling us that the ship would eventually fall of the edge of the earth, we have agreed a three month trial period starting on the first of next month.”

“Yeah, I’m really looking forward to getting stuck in” says Condo Terra when I ask her how she feels about her new role.

“These guys, despite their qualifications and years of experience in the field clearly have no idea what their talking about. I’m keen to put them all right and talk some sense into them.” continues Terra.

“Will you continue with your gardening business or will you be hanging up your hoe for the the foreseeable?” I ask her.

“Well I suppose the work I’ll be doing will be a bit like gardening in many ways. Germinating new ideas instead of new seeds. Sowing seeds of fact instead of wild flower. Dead heading the idiots in the department instead of old tulips. Cultivating a culture of truth and trust instead of rows of sweet peas and rhododendrons. Weeding out …”

“Ok ok I get the idea. Thanks for your time and good luck with your new role.” I interrupt bringing our interview to an abrupt end.

So what do you think about a part time Edinburgh gardener being in charge of UK Government Dept of Infectious Diseases? Is the nations health in safer hands?

Have your say. Join the debate. Leave a comment.

City theaters to randomly swap locations every few months

0

City theaters will start swapping events and locations, starting some time soon, in a bid to attract audiences to plays and events that they would never normally attend.

Edinburgh theaters boss Mel O’Drama is set to introduce the radical new plan to get theater goers to experience live events like never before.

“I got the idea a few weeks back when I went to Tesco to get my usual brunch snack of two fresh croissants. When I got there they had moved everything around and I found a stack of Pot Noodle Bombay Bad Boys in the place where my croissants used to be. I thought feck it why not so I grabbed a couple.”

Pot Noodle Bombay Bad Boy

“I went back to my desk and ate one of them. It was spicy and absolutely delicious. I thought about how I would never have tried one if Tesco hadn’t moved things around. After some more of the delicious spicy noodles I thought we could do the same with our shows. We had a few meetings with the powers that be and after much persuasion we finally agreed to give it a go and here we are! Exciting, right!?”

“Hmm” I mused.

“So let me get this right. Someone with an expensive front row ticket to see chamber music collective Hebrides Ensemble and the Baroque ensemble Dunedin Consort perform a live performance of Arvo Pärt’s Passio Domini Nostri Jesu Christi secundum Joannem at the Lyceum could some how end up in cheaper seats with an obstructed view watching Smokie perform Alice, Alice Who the F**k is Alice in the Church Hill Theater in Morningside?” I asked.

“That’s right!” enthused O’Drama “Isn’t that so exciting!? Challenging peoples ideas. Pushing peoples boundaries. Broadening peoples horizons. “

“Pissing people off” I mutter.

She doesn’t hear me.

How would you feel arriving to your Erland Cooper gig after a few doobers* ready to surf the melodic waves through his latest instrumental dreamscape only to find yourself watching some eejit called Benjamin flapping around a stage trying to resolve his online porn addiction through the medium of expressive dance?

Get in touch. Let us know. Take part in the debate.

[INSERT LINK TO FORUM HERE]

* We at Only In Edinburgh do not condone the smoking of marijuana in any shape or form 🚬😎

Horoscopes for August 2021

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)

You constantly worry about what other people think. Pay attention and maybe people will like you more. Those new feelings you are having are rather confusing. It wasn’t your fault but you should still speak to the police. On Thursday, remember this: skinny jeans and Mexican food do not mix. And no, that was not his finger!

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

Someone who you least expect to be interested in you…really isn’t! But don’t lose heart. Speaking of hearts you should drop out of medical school now before someone gets hurt. Keep that eclipse going in your pants and stay mysterious. PS Your da does know what happened to your hamsters.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick. You only got into computers early so you could use made-up, bullshit terminology and get away with it. Everyone knows what you’re really doing with that Henry Hoover and vibroplate you keep in the shed.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)

The world is your oyster, which is unfortunate as you have a deadly allergy to shellfish. You won’t get found out if you get up really early on Wednesday and get to the post before anyone else. Your gas problem is not going unnoticed. This can’t go on for much longer. Just tell the doctor you fell on it.

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)

It’s best to stay on your meds and not traumatise the little old ladies at the corner shop this week. You don’t need money to make your dream come true. All you need is an Instagram account, a box of tiny wigs and a very open-minded chicken farmer. Everything else will fall into place.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21)

You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Your Gemini notoriety for thriving on incest comes to the fore on Friday. Bring extra Kleenex to avoid making an embarrassing situation even worse. Venus (no relation to you) is making itself felt in your pants today.

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 23)

An unexpected expense will pop up this week. It might be because your weird rash re-appears or you may have to pay off strangers when they witness that thing you do with your car exhaust. You will find love in a strange and most unexpected location but then it will literally tear you apart.

Leo (Jul 24 – Aug 23)

There’s light at the end of the tunnel, but it just happens to be a high speed train. You’ll come out of a blackout to find yourself crawling out of a bathroom window on Thursday. Your parents wanted a boy. If anyone offers you soup on Saturday only accept it if they have chicken and mushroom.

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)

The universe may not cough up money onto your shoes, but it does sneeze a couple of juicy opportunities onto your shirt on Tuesday. Brush up your CV and get your halitosis sorted once and for all. Waiting for the phone to ring will make you jumpy and irritable as you are expecting them to find her any day now.

Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)

You are a star. Shame about your proximity to that black hole. Look forward to some naked sun bathing in your garden again on Wednesday. That ‘thing’ involving your neighbour’s dog has long been forgotten. That wasn’t a Heimlich manoeuvre your da was giving your ma’s brother. Your lucky number is -7.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Scorpions are drunks and wasters and you are no exception. That thing you vaguely remember doing on Saturday night was done in with the best intentions. The police will understand. Your next Career: Powerless Superhero.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

A friend will try to lecture you on the importance of a matter close to their hearts. Normally you would take what they say seriously, but this time laugh loudly whilst pushing their face away with the palm of your hand. Cling to your dreams. They’ll only ever be dreams. But they are all you will ever have.

Coffin for sale. Result of wrong diagnosis.

I have a coffin for sale as result of wrong diagnosis.

Coffin is new and unused and in tip top condition.

As it turns out so am I! 🙂

Bought for £1000 will sell for £888.

No offers please!