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Tuesday, September 26, 2023
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Cat tunnel with fluffy heart inside

Barely used cat tunnel. 1.5 meters long. Has a fluffy heart inside.

Bought brand new for my darling cat who absolutely loved it for half a day.

He really can’t be arsed with it anymore. Zero interest. Just sits and stares at it occasionally. Sleeps the rest of the time.

Free to good home. The tunnel not the cat.

#1 Spot the Ball Competition


Entering is easy!!

Print and study the above photo carefully. You’ll notice the ball is missing. That’s why we call it a Spot the Ball Competition.

Place up to 100 x’s on each printed photo and send it in to us along with £1 for every 10 x’s. Minimum of 20 x’s per entry. Cash only please for now (For tax reasons. It’s a long story.).

Don’t forget to include your name and address and bank account details in case you are a winner. Also include whether your bank manager knows what you look like. A simple yes or no under your bank details will suffice.

The competitor who gets an x closest to the centre of the ball, according to our panel of experts, wins. If there is more than one winner the prize will be split amongst all winners.

Second prize will go to the next closest, again divided in the case of multiple second place winners. It’s not as big as the first prize, obviously, but better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

So what are you waiting for!? Pick up that pen and enter now!


1st Prize: £2.500,000

2nd Prize: £1.250,000

Spot prizes for losers.

* Beware of too many trailing zeros in prize money figures.

Athleisure chain DNF to open branch on George Street

Popular Athleisure chain DNF has recently announced it plans to open a new store on George Street this coming autumn.

Don’t Need Fitness caters for those who want to look fit without actually having to do anything. They are planning for their opening to coincide with the release of DNF’s latest collection.

“We are so excited to be coming to Edinburgh” says CEO Flabio Snax from his chair in his temporary office above Greggs on Rose Street.

“Our new collection has been specially designed with our new Scottish clients in mind.”

“Our range of fast food themed sports tops look absolutely tremendous.” he says making air quotes around the words sports tops

“We are especially proud of our new bacon themed track suits.” Flabio jumps up unexpectedly and clumsily throws off his Columbo-esque rain coat like a cheap striptease act. He’s wearing one of DNF’s new bacon themed tracksuits underneath.

“Cool huh!?” he asks me.

“It’s certainly eye catching” I reply.

After a couple of twirls he checks himself out in his full length mirror then sits back down.

“Each purchase of our tracksuit comes with a free pair of bacon themed socks.” He reclines his chair and puts his feet up on his desk and pulls up his tracksuit bottoms to reveal a pair of bacon themed socks.

“I think the people of Edinburgh are going to be delighted with our new range. There’s going to be a LOT of envy coming to town!” Flabio continues before adjusting his DNF baseball cap so the peak sticks out to the side.

“We want to smash the zeitgeist that you need to be fit to look fit. Just slip into one of our bacon tracksuits to see what we mean. It’s not possible to wear one of these beauties and not feel and look great!”

Flabio takes a long drag from a vape and blows the smoke in my direction.

“What do you think of the scent?” he asks.

It’s quite putrid but I try to be diplomatic about my response.

“I think it’s probably an acquired taste” I reply.

“Yeah, well, it’s garlic flavour. It’s still in development and probably needs a few tweaks but we’re getting there.”

“You’re going to have your on vape range as well?” I ask.

“Yeah baby! Our new range of vapes and cigarettes are the cherry on top of our clothing range cake. And not only thay we also another exciting new product.”

He makes a drumming noise on his desk then reaches into a drawer, then throws a block of lard in my direction.

“DNF Lard!” he shouts excitedly.

“It’s the kind of cherry on top of the cherry on top of the cake. In fact it’s what we made the cake with in the first place!”

“Ha! I like that. Give me a minute to wrote that one down” says Flabio.

“So what would you say to someone in Edinburgh who has never heard of DNF” I ask Flabio after he has written down his latest eureka moment.

“You will be the envy of anyone who spends all that time in stuffy gyms or jogging for miles around and around and around the meadows. They’ll be asking you how is it possible to look so good and yet do so little. To which you will reply ‘That’s simple stupid. I shop in DNF!!’ as you exhale a cloud of delicious garlic scented DNF vape smoke in their face! “

“DNF is all about the feel good factor. Look good feel good.” continues Flabio Snax.

“If making others feel good is what gets you out of bed in the morning and you think you can bring your A Game to the DNF table all day every day then we want to hear from you.”

“We will supply full training and a free bacon tracksuit to all our new employees and free snacks all day.” he says raising both eyebrows and pointing to the the floor whilst nodding.

I assume he’s pointing to the Greggs below us.

“So get in touch guys and gals and get ready to jump aboard the DNF express train traveling full speed towards Edinburgh. Choo Choo baby!”

“Lets hope it doesn’t crash when it gets this far” I refrain myself from saying.

You can send your CV and expression of interest directly to Flabio Snax here.

[Insert link here. Make the word ‘here’ in the last sentence the link don’t just insert blank link here. No one will see it.]

Edinburgh Estate Agents to continue wearing masks

After a unanimous vote at Wednesday night’s annual gathering of Edinburgh estate agents in the Balmoral Hotels’ Presidential Suite it has been decided that all Edinburgh estate agents will continue to wear masks.

“We have always worn masks to some degree but more in the metaphorical sense” gesticulated Robin B’Stard of Dick, Turpin & Turpin’s estate agency.

“Now that masks have gone mainstream we have decided the time is right to bring our metaphorical masks into the real world. All we are doing really doing is cutting two holes out and pushing our masks up a bit. What do you think?” He asks as he slips one on.

“It looks ok as far as masks go. It does exude power but at the same time it’s not too scary.” I reply .

“Yeah, we have been working with top Edinburgh designer Anton LaVey who has come up with this rather fetching design. We didn’t want anything too sinister. It gives off the perfect wolf in sheep’s clothing kind of vibe without inducing too much fear don’t you think? We don’t want to scare off our targets, sorry, clients. I meant clients” he chortles nervously.

“You’ll leave that bit out? Off the record so to speak?” he pleads.

“Of course” I reply.


“So what would you say to a professional couple who can’t afford to buy a place because the high cost of renting in the city is eating up all their money meaning they can’t save a deposit to buy an extortionately over-priced Edinburgh property’ I ask B’Stard.

“I would say ‘I hear Troon is nice’ ” he cackles as he puts on his mask and walks off back into the party in the Balmoral Hotel stopping briefly to show a homeless man a huge wad of cash.

Should estate agents be the only ones in Edinburgh to wear masks? Have your say. Join the debate. Leave a comment.

  • Edinburgh's cardboard cops to strike City’s cardboard cops threaten strike action - Cardboard cops across Edinburgh & Midlothian have unanimously agreed to take strike action in protest at £0 pay rise and zero days additional holidays. “It’s feckin infuriating!” raged Cardboard Police Constable (CPC) Thomas Brown, who stands in Boot’s next to the meal deal sign in Waverley Station. “I stand here… Continue reading

Last Supper calls in receivers

Local Start-up Last Supper has been forced to call in receivers due to serious drop off in sales.

The start up opened up with huge fanfare only three months ago and had teamed up with some of the city’s finest chefs and hospitality and health professionals.

The company had promised to turn the remains of a loved one into a delicious three course meal for up to twelve relatives but due to recent lack of interest has had to close it’s doors for the final time this Friday.

“We started with a flurry of orders” says Last Supper CEO Christie Corpus “It was all looking really promising. We were a breath of fresh air in the stale halitosistic world of death. Business was good then we had the ‘gold nipple ring incident’ and that was that.’ says Corpus making air quotes.

‘Gold nipple ring incident? What happened there?” I ask.

“Well we had a request for an Italian themed banquet to celebrate the death of a popular Morningside pensioner. So we made meatballs for starter followed by his favourite meal of bolognese and finished with a panacotta for dessert. The corpse was a fairly big one so there was no issue with quantities.”

“Our chefs boned and filleted the corpse and minced the flesh down and made the most delicious bolognese but somehow a tiny gold nipple ring had made its way into the mix.”

A pierced pensioner yesterday

“I mean what sort of pensioner has a small gold nipple ring for f*ck sake! What’s the world coming to?” curses Corpus.

“If you ask me I think one of the guests planted it in the hope of getting money off the bill. That’s between you and me though, right?” says Corpus

“Of course” I reply “My lips are sealed” I pretend to seal my lips with my thumb and index finger.

“Anyhow come the banquet, we really pushed the boat out for this one. Some really rich folk were going to be there. We even splashed out £75 to get Pope Francis to send a blessing via Cameo. He charged us an extra tenner for the Latin version. We projected it on to a big screen and everything ”

“Then the starter was served. So far so good. Then the main meal and all of a sudden there’s a great big hullabaloo. One of guests bit down on the nipple ring and there may have been a little bit of nipple still attached.”

“She screamed like a feckin banshee. You want to have heard her! There was a big panic and it all got real messy real quick.”

“We tried to settle everyone down again”

“Next thing you know its all over social media and at that stage the ball was over the wall. All bookings cancelled and our business just dropped off a cliff edge.”

“So despite some frantic PR and Halloween special offers to try and rescue the situation unfortunately it was to no avail and we’ve had to close our doors” lamented Corpus.

“The gluteus maximus graveyard cupcakes and the tonsil tombstone brownies were to die for.” he continues “As for the broken finger cookies, made from actual broken fingers no less, it was hard not to smile when you see those little beauties.”

“But alas que sera sera”

“So what’s next for Christie Corpus?” I ask.

“Well every cloud has a silver lining.” enthuses Christie.

“We will soon be opening ‘Save Our Soles’ where we take the hide of your loved one and transform it into all sorts of wearables such as shoes, gloves, wallets, purses, handbags and waist coats.”

“Say hello to my grandad Shady” says Corpus opening his jacket to reveal a sleek black leather waist coat.

“Impressive work!” I reply.

He pulls a wallet from his inside pocket and turns it towards me. There’s a grey moustache above stretched smiling lips on the back.

Card case made from skin of William Burke

“I loved his smile and now I shall have it with me forever” laments Corpus.

It does look a little disturbing, it’s a bit too Burke & Hare for me, but I try not to show it.

“Well the very best of luck with your new venture” I say.

He doesn’t reply, just stands in silence smiling back at his wallet.

Multicoloured tanning studio to open on Lothian Road

The world’s first multicoloured tanning studio is set to fling its doors open this weekend.

Clients can bring along a picture with the colour they want and the Tammie Tan’s Tan Mixing Machine™ will recreate it on the spot and carry out a full body spray in 3 minutes flat.

When I ask about the thinking behind her opening a multi-colour tanning shop Tammie, who had recently sprayed herself purple, becomes quite animated.

“I was chatting with a friend about child hood crushes. Mine was Keith Chegwin. So we searched on YouTube and watched an old clip of him having the craic with Noel Edmunds on The Multi-Coloured Swap Shop. That evening I went to B&Q for some paint for my hall and was looking for a specific colour. A very helpful staff member took me to their mixing machine and after taking a scan of the colour I wanted from my phone it started to mix the colour. It was then I had a Eureka moment! The stars aligned! I’ve owned this tanning shop for several years now and have been trying to come up with ways to innovate and this was it. I knew it! So here we are.”

“This…Is…Groundbreaking! We are setting a world trend here. This will very quickly be all the rage. Kevin Costner once said ‘Build it and they will come’. We had the cajones to build it and the people will come. You wait and see!”

“It was a character being played by Kevin Costner who said that actually. His character was hearing voices whilst standing in a corn field” I reminded Tammie.

“Yeah well whatever, they still came though, right!”

“They sure did. They sure did. Wouldn’t have been much of a movie if they hadn’t, right!?”

Tammie’s eyes opened wide in surprise at my comment. The contrast of the whites of her eyes against her freshly painted purple skin gave me a little fright.

“Whatever! Let the haters hate. You wait and see. My surname is Tan, which is crazy right!? This was all in the stars from day one. Did you know that Tan means dawn in Turkish? No. Well, this is a new dawn. A new dawn in the tanning world!”

I ask Tammie to slow down a little as I’m having difficulty understanding her. She has clearly drank way too much coffee before the interview. There are several empty large Costa cups on her desk.

I ask if she thought there were enough people in the world who wanted to look like a walking ribena berry to make her multi-coloured tanning shop a viable business.

“There are loads of different colours walking around already right. All we are doing is offering people a few more colours to chose from. So, in answer to your question, yes, yes of course there are. Maybe not everyone wants to look like a walking ribena berry, but some will.”

“Some will want to look like walking clementines, or walking lemons, or walking strawberries, or walking blue M&Ms. The possibilities are endless. Infinite even. We live in an ever expanding universe of dreams. And we are here to turn those dreams into reality. We are a dream factory. MAKING DREAMS BABY!”

I take this as my cue to leave before the rest of our interview spirals out of control. I wish Tammie Tan all the very best with her new venture and decline her offer for a free spray in any colour I wish. Another time I reply.

Tammie Tan’s Multicoloured Tanning Shop on 1234 Lothian Road opens at 9am on Saturday. The first 10 customers get a free full body spray in any colour they want plus a follow up respray after two weeks.

So what are you waiting for!

Edinburgh supermarket bin is NOT a post box!


An Edinburgh supermarket has been forced to label its bin after customers continually confuse it for a post box.

The supermarket has a small post office and customers have been dropping parcels into the bin mistaking it for a post box, despite the fact it is obviously a bin.

“Unbelievable, isn’t it” exclaimed Brownie Shytles, manager of the supermarket.

“When we placed the bin outside the supermarket we never dreamt anything like this could happen. I mean how feckin stupid do you need to be to mistake a bin for a feckin post box!” continues Shytles, shaking her head in disbelief.

“We initially tried to discourage stupid people from coming into the shop with a big ‘No Stupid People’ sign in the window”

“But the problem with that is that stupid people have no idea that they are stupid so we had to take in down again.”

“So as a last resort we had to put a big sign on the bin telling folk that this is a feckin bin and not a post box” chuckles Shytles

“So far so good. We haven’t had any eejits posting their parcels in the bin since we added the sign”

“As long as they don’t start throwing clocks in there next” I say pointing at the bin

“What a waste of time that would be, eh!?”

She doesn’t laugh at my joke and just stands staring at me for a minute before turning and walking back into the supermarket, tapping the bin gently with her knuckles as she passes.

I’ve been trying to think of a few bin based puns to wrap up the article but they were all rubbish! 🙂

Mickey & Minnie Mouse Joyride Through Edinburgh Streets on Mobility Scooter


Imagine PC Wylie Rush’s surprise as he sat in his patrol car on Waterloo Place enjoying his fresh pastries and coffee when Mickey & Minnie Mouse speed out of the junction of North Bridge and Princes Street on a mobility scooter.

“I was sitting tucking into my almond croissant from Many Shapes Bakery. Fresh out of the oven. Have you tried them?” asks PC Rush.

“I have not, but I will definitely try them out next time I’m passing” I answer.

“Make sure you do. They are delicious, best in the town. Tell them PC Wylie Rush sent you.” says PC Rush

“Well, anyway I was tucking into my early breakfast. It was 4:30am. It had been a quiet night up to that point. I was sipping my coffee when I heard someone yell ‘YEEHAA!’. I looked up in time to catch Mickey & Minne Mouse swerve around the corner of North Bridge and Princes Street on a mobility scooter.”

“I’ve seen some sights in my time sir but nothing quite like this! Mickey Mouse was driving and Minnie Mouse was standing behind him clutching a bottle of Buckfast and screaming Yeeha! at the top of her voice” continues a stunned looking PC Rush.

“I took a few seconds to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating then I put my unfinished almond croissant in the glove compartment and fired up my siren and gave pursuit.”

“The two mice saw me coming and panicked and steered their scooter into Princes Street Gardens before abandoning it behind a tree and running off along St David Street before turning onto Rose Street.”

“As luck would have it my partner PC Briny Balls was visiting one of the saunas in Rose Street at the time. You’ll leave that bit out won’t you? I don’t want to get him into any trouble with his wife or the big boss man” pleads PC Rush.

“Consider it done!” I reassure him as I make a dramatic scoring out motion on my note book.

“Thanks man. Well anyway, I get on the radio and tell PC Balls the situation. He got his kit back on and jumped into action apprehending the suspects out the back of Jenners on Rose Street”

“They were both pretty drunk. Turns out they had been invited to Edinburgh by Shudder Belly CEO Sylvester Fox, who has been very proactive in promoting the Disneyfication of Edinburgh city centre, to speak at a marketing conference. Mickey & Minnie had a few too many and had ‘borrowed’ one of the attendee’s mobility scooter” says PC Rush.

“I told Mickey that the situation reminded me of one of my favourite Disney cartoons as a kid call ‘Traffic Troubles’ where Mickey Mouse gets into trouble with a cop for his terrible driving.”

“Oh how we laughed.”

“Anyways, we decided that the appropriate action was to issue a spot fine and three penalty points on Mickey Mouse’s driving license. They didn’t have enough money to cover the fine so we agreed that a couple of selfies each would cover it.”

“Then we dropped them off back at the conference and told them to behave themselves for the rest of their visit or I’d get Peg-Leg Pete for them” laughs PC Wylie Rush.

“The owner of the mobility scooter has been reunited with his chariot” says PC Rush.

Shudder Belly propose Leaning Tower of Edinburgh


Shudder Belly’s relentless Disneyfication of Edinburgh has literally sank to all new levels with their latest proposal.

Shudder Belly CEO Sylvester Fox submitted plans to Edinburgh Council which included a proposal to rename the iconic Scott Monument on Princes Street to the Tower of Edinburgh and then have a specialist team of engineers introduce a slight lean much like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

We caught up with Sylvester at a not so secret brunch he was holding for some of Edinburgh Council’s key decision makers in the Balimmoral Hotel.

“Well, I’ve just got back from a road trip around Italy that included a stop over in Pisa. Of course while in Rome and all that I visited the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”

“We’ve recently been thinking of how to best capitalise on the upcoming 250th birthday of Sir Walter Scott.”

“As I watched the crowds queuing to take those silly selfies. You know the ones where they pretend to be holding the tower up or pushing it back up straight I had the idea to do something similar with the Scott Monument.”

“Did you know that the Tower of Pisa attracts 5 million visitors each year raking in about 21 million Euro every year?” asks Fox.

“I did not. But I do now!” I reply.

“We thought we were milking Edinburgh for all it’s worth over the last ten years but apparently not. Here we have another opportunity to squeeze a few more drops of profit from the tit of the Edinburgh cash cow” says Fox excitedly rubbing his hands together.

“That’s off the record of course, right!?” he asks pointing at my notebook.

“Of course Mr Fox, I couldn’t possibly print that” I reply pretending to scribble some sentences out on my note book.

He reaches over and puts a couple of crisp £20 notes in my shirt pocket.

“Please call me Sly and there’s plenty more where that came from” he says to me as he pats my shoulder and winks at me.

“So do you think your plans will get the go ahead?” I ask Sly.

Sly quickly looks around him then leans in and whispers “Well any council that gives us the go ahead to demand that Edinburgh residents wear wristbands so they can get in and out of their own homes during Hogmanay will have absolutely no issues with this.”

He opens his jacket to reveal a number of thick brown envelopes each individually named, he closes his jacket before I get the chance to read the names. He taps the side of his nose and winks.

“You know what I’m saying?” he continues.

Unfortunately we the residents of this great city know only too well what he’s saying.

“But what do you think Edinburgh residents will think of your plans? Haven’t you caused enough disruption to their city over the years?” I ask him.

“To quote Edinburgh artist Richard Demarco ‘The Scots think of it as their capital; they’re too possessive, Edinburgh belongs to the world.’ It’s all mine!!” he smirks stroking an invisible cat he’s holding on his forearm before vanishing back through the doors of the hotel.

As I walk back along Princes Street the Scott Monument comes into view. Majestic and upright. Amongst its pillars Sir Walter Scott sits pensive as always. I think about Fox dishing out his brown envelopes over cocktails. A famous Scott quote comes to mind.

O, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive!

Long runs fox, Sly, but you will be caught at last.

Edinburgh Council’s secret seagull mind control plan leaked


Top secret plans revealing how Edinburgh Council set up a crack team in partnership with two ex CIA agents to train seagulls to clear up the city’s rubbish have been leaked to our head office.

The heavily redacted papers reveal how a top secret department called E██ █e██ J███it ███z has been set up in the basement of the Old Royal High School building near Calton Hill in the city.

The crack team is made up of two senior Edinburgh councilors, Barry Bonaparte and Bella Belcher and two members of the original CIA team involved in the controversial human mind control program MKUltra, which was officially closed down in 1973.

The crack team have been working very closely with a select group of Edinburgh University’s finest psychologists and veterinarians. Their research has been fully funded, at great expense to the public purse, by Edinburgh Council.

We tried for two weeks to get in touch with members of the crack team but with no success. Then out of the blue we receive a call to our offices from Barry Bonaparte.

“So what is it exactly that your team is working on?” I ask Bonaparte after exchanging some pleasantries.

“Well the concept is quite simple really. The city of Edinburgh has a massive rubbish problem. Edinburgh Council’s Waste & Environmental Services Department are totally out of their depth when dealing with the issue. They are a great bunch of talkers but when it comes to action you’d be hard pushed to find a more useless circus of clowns.”

“The city also has a massive seagull problem. Attacking visitors as they quietly eat their fish & chips and ice cream. The noisy feckers are everywhere and the tourists hate them. And unhappy tourists don’t spend as much as happy ones.”

“But, and this is the important bit, seagulls love rubbish! They can’t get enough of the stuff. So myself and Bella came up with the idea of training seagulls to lift the rubbish and drop it off at nearby landfills.”

“They would then receive a reward. Like a dog biscuit or something but for seagulls. Then at the end of their working day they would fly off to a specially built seagull shelter in Seafield. We are thinking of calling it the Seafield Seagull Shelter. Try saying that after a few beers!” he giggles.

“Of course all this hinges on being able to domesticate the seagulls. Once domesticated we would then be able to train them up. That’s where Lou Kinto and Mah Ayes come in. They spent years working on the CIA’s MKUltra program back in the 60s and 70s.”

“We got in touch with them via their website www.domestication-station.com where they claim to be able to domesticate and train anything, even early morning Ryanair passengers on a weekend flight from Belfast to Alicante.”

Really!?” I ask.

I know! Wild claim right! But they reckon they could do it” replied Bonaparte

“They are amazing to watch though. Two professionals on top of their game and very hands on and not afraid to get them dirty. Their hands I mean.” explains Bonaparte.

“So how does one go about domesticating seagulls” I ask Bonaparte.

“Well, that’s a very good question and one we have spent a lot of time discussing. After much debate Lou Kinto and Mah Ayes came up with what they call the ‘If you can’t beat em join em‘ approach. Seagulls are a protected species so beating them was out of the question so join them it was.”

“Next day Lou Kinto and Mah Ayes show up for work dressed as seagulls. After spending a few hours practicing some body language technique and gull whispering off they went out into the field to start domesticating. They started off on Leith Docks as they felt that the gulls would be more relaxed next to the sea.”

Lou Kinto and Mah Ayes take a well earned break from domesticating seagulls

“It’s been a slow process and has come with it’s own risks I’m afraid. Lou Kinto has had to get stitches to a face wound after getting into a fight with a feisty gull over the remains of a Greggs steak bake. Another gull has tried to ride Mah Ayes on top of a bin near the Leith Citadel but after a brief struggle he regained dominance. But all in all they are making great progress and appear to have been accepted into the Leith Docks colony.”

“It’s a very slow process but we are in it for the long haul and it will all be worth it in the end. Edinburgh will very soon have colonies of silent domesticated seagulls clearing our streets of rubbish. The council can then rid itself of their useless Waste & Environmental Services Department and the tourists will be spend spend spending and business owners will be delighted. It’s a win win win! How cool will that be!?” says Bonaparte rubbing his hands together.

“What about the people who live here? The same people that pay the council taxes. The same people that have put up with the stench of overflowing rubbish bins all year round” I ask Bonaparte.

He pauses for a few seconds. He looks a little confused.

“What about them?” he replies.

So what do you think about your money being spent on domesticating and training seagulls to clear rubbish from Edinburgh’s dirty streets? Have your say. Join the debate. Leave a comment.

  • Edinburgh's cardboard cops to strike City’s cardboard cops threaten strike action - Cardboard cops across Edinburgh & Midlothian have unanimously agreed to take strike action in protest at £0 pay rise and zero days additional holidays. “It’s feckin infuriating!” raged Cardboard Police Constable (CPC) Thomas Brown, who stands in Boot’s next to the meal deal sign in Waverley Station. “I stand here… Continue reading