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Sorry but vegan’t let you in

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Edinburgh vegans are up in arms as Edinburgh council decides to exclude the ‘tree hugging tofu munchers’ from the city’s new low emission zones in a hastily arranged council meeting in Meat Meets Meat on Fleshmarket Close.

“We know from our consultation that lowering air pollution matters to everyone, so in order to maximise reductions we have decided to add vegans to the exclusion list” said Paul Lucion, Head of Waste & Environmental Services Dept of Edinburgh Council via Zoom.

“It’s a well known scientific fact that vegans produce three times as much methane as their non-vegan counterparts. We have also taken into account the amount of hot air they spew when telling everyone that they’re vegan. They also weigh heavy on the city’s infrastructure as a lot of them do a number two three times a day! three times a day!

A hot air balloon powered by farts

“We’ve calculated that four vegans produce as much waste, hot air and toxic gases to power a round the world trip for one hot air balloon and they need to be contained” lied Paul Lucion.

We asked popular Edinburgh vegan Colly Flower what he thought of the council proposals.

“It’s a bloody disgrace. Paul Lucion is a prick and his figures are way off. I’m a vegan and don’t fart or shit that much. More than most for sure, but as a vegan no way can four of me power a hot air balloon on a round the world trip. If that were the case I would not be standing here talking to you. Absolute feckin nonsense.”

“And as for the exclusion zone. I wonder has this rushed decision got anything to do with Holy O’Zone, who is also a vegan, saying no to him when he asked her out to dinner last week. That was on Tuesday. Meeting called Wednesday. Decision made Thursday! It’s all very fishy if you ask me!” said Colly Flower frothing at the mouth with rage.

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We asked Paul to comment on what Colly Flower had said.

“That’s ridiculous! Absolutely ridiculous. I would never allow a personal matter to influence a professional decision.” replied Paul.

“Paul had been sniffing round me for weeks. It got quite creepy” said Holy O’Zone, owner of Stickys & Stones, when we asked her about her relationship with Paul.

“He offered me a prime spot on the Royal Mile for my vegan jam & rune stone stall which, as a vegan myself, I jumped at. He even wavered the fee and said he would take care of the paper work. It was to be ‘our little secret’ he said” she said making air quotes.

“I felt sorry for him so offered to go to Calton Hill for a little vegan picnic with him. He was ecstatic. I’m a vegan so I brought some of my vegan carrot jam, he brought some chocolate hob nobs which I couldn’t eat because there is milk from the tits of imprisoned cow’s in them and I’m a vegan and I can’t even go there!” sighed O’Zone.

“He apologised and after some of my vegan carrot jelly on oatcakes he gave me a little gift of patchouli oil and asked me out to dinner. I thanked him for the thought but had to give the oil back as it’s made from a plant that provides food for bees. As a vegan I don’t want to be responsible for starving bees to death and neither should he to be honest.”

“I thanked him for asking me to dinner before gently letting him down. He’s just not my type. To be honest he’s a bit weird. You’ll leave that bit out won’t you?”

“Of course” I reply.

“He started hyperventilating and turned bright red. Then he jumped up and leaned in towards me and whispered quite angrily ‘You’ll pay for this!‘ before storming off”

“Next thing you know vegans, of which I am one, have been added to the Low Emission Zones exclusion list. All very suspect if you ask me. So we are organising a peaceful protest and sleep over at fellow vegan Colly Flower’s next week. He’s a vegan too, just like me.”

“We’ll be eating plants and vegetables and chanting. There will be rune stone readings and a solidarity sing song. Colly also mentioned he has a glory hole in his basement that we can all play around with. I’ve no idea what that is but it does sound like fun! Something vegan no doubt. We’re all vegan you see. Glory be!” she exclaimed clapping wildly.

“We have set up a Facebook Group called Yes Ve Gan! It has 11 members so far. All vegans. You don’t have to be vegan to join but if you’re not you won’t be made to feel welcome. Just saying.”

“We are going to do all we can to get this silly decision reversed. So come along and add your voice to our voice. Safety in numbers guys! Can we do this? Yes Ve Gan! Vegan Power!” said O’Zone giving the peace sign and farting a little.

“Did I mention that I’m a vegan?”

Paul Lucion remains unavailable for comment.

Are you a Yes Ve Gan or a No Ve Gan’t? Have your say. Join the debate. Leave a comment.

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Man who attempted to rob bookmakers wearing a Harry Potter invisibility cloak is jailed

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A 26 year old man has been jailed for 9 & 3/4 months for attempting to rob a Dalry bookmakers wearing a Harry Potter invisibility cloak.

The attempted robbery took place during the largest cartoon horse race of the year, The Hanna-Barbera Quick Draw McGraw Gold Cup Classic, which was due to start at 12:30pm last Saturday afternoon.

“One… FULL!” she says hiding one finger and raising one eyebrow.

“Big cartoon horse meets like this only mean one thing for A Shot In The Dark Bookmakers. Two words!” says manager Lottie Cash holding up two fingers.

“Two… HOUSE!” she says showing both fingers again and raising both eyebrows.

“And what does Full House mean?” she asked.

“It means your shop was full to capacity” I reply confidently.

“Well yes, but it really means ka-ching!!” she sings rubbing her thumbs on her index fingers as if trying to start two small fires.

The would be robber entered A Shot In The Dark Bookmakers just as the cartoon race got under way. All the punters were huddled together inside the shop, dead eyes glued to the animated race on a small portable television in the corner, all clutching their betting slips, clinging on to dreams of better days ahead.

“Diz O’Peera walked up to the counter calm as you like wearing what looked like an old satin curtain from a low budget 60’s Ken Loach movie over his head. A hand reached from underneath the curtain and handed me a black tote bag that had the word ‘OPTIMIST’ in white uppercase letters on the side of it” says Lottie Cash holding back laughter.

“There was a note paper-clipped to it” Lottie continued.

“The note read,
Please don’t be alarmed.
I’m invisible and armed.
I won’t hurt you honey.
Just fill my bag with money
‘.

“I thought it was a joke at first. Then when I realised the poor guy really thought he was invisible. I told him that I could see him.”

“O’Peera took his iPhone from his pocket and opened some app and stared at it for a minute before flashing the screen to me. Sure enough he was invisible on the screen. So I pointed to our CCTV monitors above him and there he could see himself as large as life standing in the middle of the floor with a curtain over his head.”

“He let out a high pitched wailing noise like someone having their balls slowly crushed in a flower press. Then he roared at his phone. ‘FUCKING LIES!! IT’S FUCKING LIES!!’”

“He took off his curtain and made a run for the door, before making a getaway towards the train station. I gave chase but was no match for his pace. But as luck would have it Lots of Shapes Bakery recently opened a branch on Dalry. They sell the most amazing pastries.”

PC Danish’s favourite bear claw pastry

“And you know what that means? No? Well, pastries attract cops like bees to pollen. PC Danny Danish was coming out of Lots of Shapes with a bag of his favourite bear claws in one hand and making pretend bear claws with his other. He was bearing his teeth and making roaring noises to his colleagues, when who ran right into him?”

“I’ve no idea” I reply.

“No!? Wow, you are slow today aren’t you!? Only O’Peera! Diz O’Peera himself! Ran right into him!”

“I had time to catch up and told PC Danish what had happened!” said Cash.

“PC Danish and his colleagues had a good laugh then arrested him and took him away in the back of his patrol car after he had finished his pastries.”

Judge Justice Dunne said that she had never heard of anything as ridiculous in all her days and suspended sentencing for two weeks to allow for a psychiatric evaluation of O’Peera.

When the psychiatric report came back it said that there was no doubt that O’Peera wasn’t quite right but still knew the difference between right and wrong and there for fit for sentencing.

Judge Justice Dunne sentenced O’Peera to 9 and 3/4 months in prison. Most of those attending the trial could be heard trying to contain their laughter.

Azkaban prison

Instead of banging her gavel to end proceedings Judge Dunne pulled out a replica Harry Potter wand from inside of her robe, pointed it at O’Peera and shouted ‘To Azkaban! Riddikulus Idiotus!’ sending everyone in the court house into hysterics of laughter.

It is believed that O’Peera has begun proceedings against the makers of the invisibility cloaks suing them for false and misleading advertising.

Lowlies in the Sacristy with Diamonds

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High Priest Father Zebedee MacDougal from Round-about Church on top of Leith Walk was giving mass at 08:00 on Sunday morning when he noticed something very strange was going on.

“I said the Eucharist like I always do ‘Take this, all of you, and eat of it, for this is my body, blahh blahh blahh‘ then I broke the bread and ate some of it washing it down with some altar wine. I don’t like this bit. The wine tastes bloody awful. Cheap and very nasty. You’ll leave that bit out won’t ya?” said Father MacDougal

“Of course” I reply.

“Good man. Anyways. I then ran through the usual rituals, cleaning the cup, giving communion to my little helpers the altar boys etcetera then the congregation rose from their seats and came forward to celebrate communion as usual.”

“I lifted the chalice of communion wafers and made my way across the altar to dish out the communion to my awaiting congregation. It was then that I had the most amazing feeling. I had a sudden realisation that I was God himself and God was me. Everything was beautiful. Everything had always been beautiful and would always be beautiful.”

“I was at one with everyone and everything. Free from the constraints of space and time. Like I was floating in space. I wanted to stay there forever. I thought to myself, wow, the force is strong this morning. I thanked the Jesus and proceeded to pass out the communion.”

“I got to Miss Aphrodite Anderson, the most beautiful woman in town, if you don’t mind me saying so. You’ll leave that bit out won’t you?”

“Of course” I reply.

“Thanks. Well, she stuck out her tongue ready to receive the Eucharist. As I went to set the body of Christ on her tongue, her mouth completely vanished! I thought ‘how strange’. I was looking at her mouth-less face, trying not to panic, wondering where to put the Eucharist. It was then that a tiny red devil climbed out of her ear onto here left shoulder and started masturbating whilst sinisterly whispering ‘You know you want to!‘ in a strong Irish accent”

“I didn’t know what was going on. I gave the chalice of Eucharists to my altar boy and asked him to continue. Then I ran to the sacristy to try and pull myself together.”

“I sat for a while with my rosary beads praying, trying to get my thoughts together, but then the rosary beads broke into little pieces in my hands. Each piece turned into a little dormouse that whispered ‘Feed your head!’ before disappearing down holes that had appeared in the palms of my hands. There were holes in my hands! Padre Pio I said to myself! It was the feckin stigmata! Just like the Jesus himself!”

“I peeked through the hole in my left hand and I was looking down from the clouds at myself on holiday in Belgium. I was wearing a white linen suit and a panama hat. I was rowing a little boat on the Zwyn River in Bruges singing ‘Stairway to Heaven’ backwards to Miss Aphrodite Anderson!”

“She sat opposite smiling at me from a red parasol. She was stroking a white rabbit and laughing wildly. She wore a beautiful red lace dress and a golden tiara. She had her bare bosoms out for all to see! The number thirteen was tattooed on her left breast. “

“I then looked through the hole in my right hand and I was looking down on myself flying around in one of those old open top propeller driven air planes dressed. I was Biggles, goggles and all! I was circling Arthur’s Seat in Edinburgh looking down on some chap sitting at the top cross legged chanting and meditating. The chap was me!”

“I sat back shocked wondering what was happening to me.”

“It was then I heard the commotion from the chapel. I pulled the door open. People were wondering around all over the place, some giggling, some sitting staring at their hands, there was a group hug going on near the altar. One man was on the altar naked singing and drinking the altar wine. I had no idea what to do. So I sat by the candles and watched the dancing flames flicker. The shepherd had lost control of his mind and his flock.”

I asked one member of the congregation, John Jellybeans from Elm Row in the city, who wanted to remain nameless, what he experienced that morning.

“All I can say is I went to 08:00 mass as I do every week and went to take my communion as I always do. Father MacDougal looked a little stressed and had gone back to the sacristy. The altar boys continued handing out the Eucharist. I got my wafer and went back to my seat and took to the knee to give thanks.”

“As I was saying thank you to the Jesus I heard a little voice whispering ‘You are Jesus’. I said ‘What?’ The voice repeated ‘You are Jesus’ ‘Who is this?’ I asked. The voice answered ‘This is the voice of your conscience speaking. You are the one. The second coming!’.”

“I thought it strange at first but then I thought about it for a few minutes and it was obvious. There was no doubt in my mind. I was the One. I was the second coming.”

“Next thing you know I’ve cast off all my worldly goods, and my clothes, and am completely naked on the altar with a chalice full of altar wine singing I am the Resurrection by the Stone Roses. It was mad stuff altogether.”

Another member of the congregation, Mabel Syrup from Easter Road, who also wanted to remain anonymous, came forward to tell us about her experience.

“I had my communion and returned to my seat, I was giving thanks to the powers that be when I had the strange feeling that I was floating. I open my eyes, peeked down and sure enough I’m levitating a few inches off the ground.”

“I stood up and I have to say I felt absolutely tremendous. Best I’ve felt in years. I raised both my arms up to give thanks to the Lord and all this multicoloured glitter started shooting out from the tips of my fingers, like a rainbow. A different colour from each finger. Like the Jackson Five in that Can You Feel It video. Remember that?”

“I do” I reply.

“I looked at my hands in amazement then I hear this voice gently whispering ‘Fly Mabel Syrup, fly!’ I look up and Jesus is talking directly to me from the stained glass window behind the altar! So with a flap of my arms up I go! Jesus winks at me and gives me the thumbs up. As I rise up to the heavens, I’m not sure how to say this…[short pause for thought]…it was like infinite versions of me appeared to the left and right of me stretching out forever.”

“Then we all start flying around the chapel spraying this most beautiful glitter over the people below all singing ‘All the colors of the world should be lovin’ each other wholeheartedly.‘ It was the most wonderful experience of my life. Free as a bird I was.”

Father MacDougal eventually got control of his flock and steered them all into the sacristy. After a few hours in the darkened sacristy, lounging on bean bags listening to Neil Diamond’s A Cherry Cherry Christmas album on repeat everyone was grand.

No one has any idea who would have done something like this. Police have refused to look into it as it happened on a Sunday and they no longer work on weekends.

If you were at the mass or know of anyone who was we would love to hear from you. Get in touch via the link below.

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[UPDATE]

Father Zebedee MacDougal has since left the church, changed his name to Baba Ram Dass II and moved to Findhorn where he is setting up a cult commune called the Bountiful Sun Sanctuary.

Mabel Syrup, now known as Paramadama Dingdong, hopes to join him there as soon her new abode Rainbow Lodge is complete.

Shopping center to be fitted with life boats and life buoys

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After recent flash flooding it has been decided that the Edinburgh’s most recently opened shopping center is to be fitted with lifeboats and life jackets.

Managing director, Lottie Shapps said ”We have to take action now. After recent flooding we want to send out a clear message that we do not want our customers drowning whilst shopping with us. We all have enough to be worrying about, right!?”

“We’ll have the lifeboats and life jackets installed in the coming weeks. We’ll also be providing emergency umbrellas, wellington boots and those cute little water proof hats like the ones Paddington Bear wears.”

“We will be looking for local businesses to come forward to sponsor the boats and buoys to help cover costs. We are also considering offering bereaved families the opportunity install a buoy in memory of a dead loved one, like those benches you see around town”

“Once everything is ready we will be having regular open days so people can come along and familiarise themselves with the boats and buoys. We’ll have clowns, mime artists and face painters on hand for the kids and everything.”

“Could you not just get the roof fixed?” I ask her.

“We have looked into that, but no one seems to know what the problem is. Plus this is a great marketing opportunity. How many shopping malls do you know that are fitted with lifeboats and life buoys!?”

“We did think about changing our name to The Titanic Quarter Shopping Center, but the Titanic people in Belfast objected.”

“Probably just was well. It did sink on it’s maiden voyage you know.” I reply.

“That’s right, I hadn’t thought of that” she said distractedly as she walked off towards the brightly coloured Lego shop window display.

Edinburgh man banned

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A man from the Morningside area of Edinburgh has been banned after being caught.

Joseph Kelly from Belhaven Terrace was walking along Morningside Road when he was stopped by a couple of police officers and immediately taken into custody.

Kelly later pleaded guilty to two offenses despite only being charged with one. Sheriff Henry Hauld took his guilty pleas into consideration before banning him and ordering to stay within his home address between 8pm and 6am for the next 80 days.

Joseph Kelly thanked the Sheriff who then adjourned the case.

“I’ll not do that again!” joked Kelly as he left Edinburgh Sheriff Court building.

Pentlands runner inhales a wasp

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Paramedics and a mountain rescue helicopter were called out to the Pentland Hills to help a man suffering with breathing difficulties after ‘inhaling a wasp’.

The 45 year old runner was ascending Scald Law with his girlfriend when he began to experience breathing difficulties after ‘inhaling a wasp’ at round 4pm on Saturday last.

Paramedics assessed the man who did not appear to have been stung and was not having an allergic reaction so did not need any further medical attention.

“He was just pushing too hard running up hill trying to win a Strava segment and impress his girlfriend. King of the mountain my hole!” sighed the paramedic before standing down and returning to base.

After getting his breath back the runner continued with his run. His partner is said to have been mortified.

Irish expected to flock to see Jesus in Comely Bank Avenue

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Coach loads of Irish are expected to swarm into Comely Bank Avenue over the coming days to catch a glimpse of Jesus and his mother Mary who have mysteriously appeared on opposite sides of someones window there.

The divine apparition was spotted yesterday by two devout Catholics who were on their way to get the bingo bus on Raeburn Place to nearby Meadowbank.

Lifelong friends Briana Byru and Paula Hewson were saying a decade of the rosary together as they were walking to get the bus.

“We were just walking along on our sixth Hail Mary, it was going to be a big rollover at the Bingo, so we were asking for a little bit of luck before we got on the bus. I paused to take a pull from my vape and there it was! I couldn’t believe my eyes! Jesus and Mary. As clear as day.” said Byru raising her hands skywards.

“Fifty seven, Stairway to Heaven! she shouted” laughed Hewson “I looked up to see what she was on about. It was a miraculous sight!”

They said they wanted the world to know the Jesus Christ and his mother Mary had appeared on both sides of the window but agreed to wait till after the bingo.

“We thought it was a sign we were going to win the bingo, so we took a photo and agreed to stick it on the gram [Instagram] after” said Hewson.

“We didn’t win anything though, it obviously wasn’t meant to be. That bitch Lizzy Johnston won it again! Protestant too! God surely does work in mysterious ways! So we went to the pub for a few drinks and posted the photo on Briana’s gram account” said Hewson.

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“The response has been unbelievable. She got 100,000 new followers in 24hrs! Lots of Irish have been sending messages and are making arrangements to get over to see if they can touch it or at least get a photo next to it.” continues Hewson.

“We’ve touched the apparitions with a couple of wee cloths this morning and have cut them into tiny squares to sell as holy relics.”

“We’ve also been contacted by Holy Art dot com and Catholic Gift Shop dot com about potential online and physical partnerships. They’ve also helped us to get some merch together super quick but still super quality. We’ve got some classy key-rings and t-shirts on the way along with some plastic replicas of the window too.” said Byru.

When asked if Jesus would object to the monetisation of his image both ladies looked to each other and laughed.

“It’s not about the money. Pope Francis recently said ‘Find new ways to spread the word of Jesus to every corner of the world.’ That’s what were doing. Spreading the good word on the gram.” giggled Hewson

“It’s a reminder to the world that He’s here. Jesus is here in Edinburgh.”

Charity begins at home they replied in unison when asked if they would be donating any of their proceeds to charity.

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Edinburgh council to sub contract out road team

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After much discussion over coffee and muffins, paid for by the public purse, at last night’s council meeting in Starbucks on George Street it was agreed that the council would start to sub-contract out it’s road team from the start of September.

It’s hoped that contracting out their ‘crack team of craftsmen’ to tarmac private driveways, paths etc. will give the city coffers a much needed boost after the trams fiasco.

“We’re in massive debt thanks to the trams debacle and need to think of ways to increase our revenues. We have an army of Parking attendants issuing tickets for even the most minor of parking infringement and we do charge ridiculous amounts for parking but that’s not near enough to cover the repayments” moaned Dee Rhodes, Head of Roads & Transport.

“So we’ve come up with a great idea to hire out our crack roads team to do private work as well. They do a fantastic job maintaining our roads so will sure do the same with yours” he mused.

“We’ll be opening for business very soon” enthused Dee Rhodes.

“If this goes well we’ll do something similar with our city bin collectors. They are the best in the business.” said an excited Baz Sura, Head of Waste & Environmental Cleansing Services.

Busker hits tourist in face with vomit covered shoe

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A drunken Michael Jackson impersonator has accidentally hit an American tourist in the face with his vomit covered slip on shoe on Princes Street.

Witnesses described festival favourite Mícheál MacJackson as being incredibly drunk and barely able to stand, but was still managing to sing perfectly. At one point after one of his trademark body twirls he vomited all over himself and his shoes.

He mumbled ‘The show must goes on’ to bemused onlookers before attempting to do a moon walk on his strip of oiled up kitchen linoleum on Princes Street. He rounded off the move with one of MJ’s popular leg flicks but he slipped and his vomit covered shoe flew off and struck an American tourist in the face.

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Hank Chinaski from LA, California, in Edinburgh for a few days as part of some cruise he’s on, was left shaken by the incident, but was quick to see the funny side.

“How many people in the world can say they’ve been kicked in the face by Michael Jackson’s vomit covered shoe” he laughed from behind a cloud of cigar smoke.

Hank even posed for photos with MacJackson after the incident and tipped him £50 before joining in on a rendition of Leave Me Alone. However, half way through the song MacJackson began screaming ”Leave me alone! Leave me alone!” over and over at Hank and the growing audience before running off crying in the direction of St James’ Quarter.

  • Sorry but vegan’t let you in Sorry but vegan’t let you in - Edinburgh vegans are up in arms as Edinburgh council decides to exclude the ‘tree hugging tofu munchers’ from the city’s new low emission zones in a hastily arranged council meeting in Meat Meets Meat on Fleshmarket Close. “We know from our consultation that lowering air pollution matters to everyone, so… Continue reading

City’s cardboard cops threaten strike action

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Cardboard cops across Edinburgh & Midlothian have unanimously agreed to take strike action in protest at £0 pay rise and zero days additional holidays.

“It’s feckin infuriating!” raged Cardboard Police Constable (CPC) Thomas Brown, who stands in Boot’s next to the meal deal sign in Waverley Station.

“I stand here day in day out. No holidays. No pay. Not a word of complaint. Doing my duty for my country. What thanks do I get for it? Zero additional fuckin days off on top of the zero fuckin days we currently get plus a fuck all percent of fuck all pay rise!! Sweet F A!! Zilcho!”

I ask him to tone it down a little after which he refuses to say another word. Just stands in total silence next to a shelf of reduced price packs of sushi.

I went on to interview another cardboard cop, CPC Andrew Corrigan, a traffic cop stationed in Millerhill next to the community notice board and novelty fire hydrant. He was a bit calmer than his colleague. I tell him about my interview with CPC Brown in Waverley.

“Well it’s easy to see why he is so upset. We are just being ignored by the powers that be again. Always have been. I mean we are just as effective as …” CPC Corrigan pauses to find the right words.

“I’m not sure real cops is the right way of putting it but you know what I mean?” he continues.

I shake my head to indicate I have understood.

“Have you any idea how hard it is to stand here holding this camera like this all day long without so much as a piss break?”

“No” I reply.

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“Wind, rain or shine, sometimes all three at once, we’ll be here, protecting communities just like this one. Look at the state of my trousers for crying out loud! A bird shit on them two days ago! I cannae afford to replace them or take the time to get them cleaned!”

“All the while those… those… real cops drive around in their fancy cars with their fancy minds getting paid a small fortune to sit on hard shoulders in their clean uniforms eating Greggs pastries all day! Well we’ve had enough. Strike action it is!”

“Will anyone notice when you go on strike?” I ask him.

CPC Corrigan pauses again, a small tear appears at the side of his visible eye “Probably not” he eventually replies “Probably not.”

“You wouldn’t wipe that shit off for us before you go would you?” he whispers.

As I clean the shit off his trousers I can’t help but think that we’re all CPC Andrew Corrigan’s in our own little way, standing unnoticed and helpless on a road side somewhere with crap on our trousers hoping someone will come along to clean the mess up for us.

“Goodbye and good luck” I say patting his shoulder as I headed off.

“Aye! Good luck to you too son” CPC Corrigan replies before getting back to protecting Millerhill from potential speedsters.

  • Jesus Mary and Saint Joseph Irish expected to flock to see Jesus in Comely Bank Avenue - Coach loads of Irish are expected to swarm into Comely Bank Avenue over the coming days to catch a glimpse of Jesus and his mother Mary who have mysteriously appeared on opposite sides of someones window there. The divine apparition was spotted yesterday by two devout Catholics who were on… Continue reading