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Saturday, November 27, 2021

Athleisure chain DNF to open branch on George Street

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Popular Athleisure chain DNF has recently announced it plans to open a new store on George Street this coming autumn.

Don’t Need Fitness caters for those who want to look fit without actually having to do anything. They are planning for their opening to coincide with the release of DNF’s latest collection.

“We are so excited to be coming to Edinburgh” says CEO Flabio Snax from his chair in his temporary office above Greggs on Rose Street.

“Our new collection has been specially designed with our new Scottish clients in mind.”

“Our range of fast food themed sports tops look absolutely tremendous.” he says making air quotes around the words sports tops

“We are especially proud of our new bacon themed track suits.” Flabio jumps up unexpectedly and clumsily throws off his Columbo-esque rain coat like a cheap striptease act. He’s wearing one of DNF’s new bacon themed tracksuits underneath.

“Cool huh!?” he asks me.

“It’s certainly eye catching” I reply.

After a couple of twirls he checks himself out in his full length mirror then sits back down.

“Each purchase of our tracksuit comes with a free pair of bacon themed socks.” He reclines his chair and puts his feet up on his desk and pulls up his tracksuit bottoms to reveal a pair of bacon themed socks.

“I think the people of Edinburgh are going to be delighted with our new range. There’s going to be a LOT of envy coming to town!” Flabio continues before adjusting his DNF baseball cap so the peak sticks out to the side.

“We want to smash the zeitgeist that you need to be fit to look fit. Just slip into one of our bacon tracksuits to see what we mean. It’s not possible to wear one of these beauties and not feel and look great!”

Flabio takes a long drag from a vape and blows the smoke in my direction.

“What do you think of the scent?” he asks.

It’s quite putrid but I try to be diplomatic about my response.

“I think it’s probably an acquired taste” I reply.

“Yeah, well, it’s garlic flavour. It’s still in development and probably needs a few tweaks but we’re getting there.”

“You’re going to have your on vape range as well?” I ask.

“Yeah baby! Our new range of vapes and cigarettes are the cherry on top of our clothing range cake. And not only thay we also another exciting new product.”

He makes a drumming noise on his desk then reaches into a drawer, then throws a block of lard in my direction.

“DNF Lard!” he shouts excitedly.

“It’s the kind of cherry on top of the cherry on top of the cake. In fact it’s what we made the cake with in the first place!”

“Ha! I like that. Give me a minute to wrote that one down” says Flabio.

“So what would you say to someone in Edinburgh who has never heard of DNF” I ask Flabio after he has written down his latest eureka moment.

“You will be the envy of anyone who spends all that time in stuffy gyms or jogging for miles around and around and around the meadows. They’ll be asking you how is it possible to look so good and yet do so little. To which you will reply ‘That’s simple stupid. I shop in DNF!!’ as you exhale a cloud of delicious garlic scented DNF vape smoke in their face! “

“DNF is all about the feel good factor. Look good feel good.” continues Flabio Snax.

“If making others feel good is what gets you out of bed in the morning and you think you can bring your A Game to the DNF table all day every day then we want to hear from you.”

“We will supply full training and a free bacon tracksuit to all our new employees and free snacks all day.” he says raising both eyebrows and pointing to the the floor whilst nodding.

I assume he’s pointing to the Greggs below us.

“So get in touch guys and gals and get ready to jump aboard the DNF express train traveling full speed towards Edinburgh. Choo Choo baby!”

“Lets hope it doesn’t crash when it gets this far” I refrain myself from saying.

You can send your CV and expression of interest directly to Flabio Snax here.

[Insert link here. Make the word ‘here’ in the last sentence the link don’t just insert blank link here. No one will see it.]

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