Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
You constantly worry about what other people think. Pay attention and maybe people will like you more. Those new feelings you are having are rather confusing. It wasn’t your fault but you should still speak to the police. On Thursday, remember this: skinny jeans and Mexican food do not mix. And no, that was not his finger!
Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
Someone who you least expect to be interested in you…really isn’t! But don’t lose heart. Speaking of hearts you should drop out of medical school now before someone gets hurt. Keep that eclipse going in your pants and stay mysterious. PS Your da does know what happened to your hamsters.
Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick. You only got into computers early so you could use made-up, bullshit terminology and get away with it. Everyone knows what you’re really doing with that Henry Hoover and vibroplate you keep in the shed.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)
The world is your oyster, which is unfortunate as you have a deadly allergy to shellfish. You won’t get found out if you get up really early on Wednesday and get to the post before anyone else. Your gas problem is not going unnoticed. This can’t go on for much longer. Just tell the doctor you fell on it.
Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)
It’s best to stay on your meds and not traumatise the little old ladies at the corner shop this week. You don’t need money to make your dream come true. All you need is an Instagram account, a box of tiny wigs and a very open-minded chicken farmer. Everything else will fall into place.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21)
You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Your Gemini notoriety for thriving on incest comes to the fore on Friday. Bring extra Kleenex to avoid making an embarrassing situation even worse. Venus (no relation to you) is making itself felt in your pants today.
Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 23)
An unexpected expense will pop up this week. It might be because your weird rash re-appears or you may have to pay off strangers when they witness that thing you do with your car exhaust. You will find love in a strange and most unexpected location but then it will literally tear you apart.
Leo (Jul 24 – Aug 23)
There’s light at the end of the tunnel, but it just happens to be a high speed train. You’ll come out of a blackout to find yourself crawling out of a bathroom window on Thursday. Your parents wanted a boy. If anyone offers you soup on Saturday only accept it if they have chicken and mushroom.
Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)
The universe may not cough up money onto your shoes, but it does sneeze a couple of juicy opportunities onto your shirt on Tuesday. Brush up your CV and get your halitosis sorted once and for all. Waiting for the phone to ring will make you jumpy and irritable as you are expecting them to find her any day now.
Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)
You are a star. Shame about your proximity to that black hole. Look forward to some naked sun bathing in your garden again on Wednesday. That ‘thing’ involving your neighbour’s dog has long been forgotten. That wasn’t a Heimlich manoeuvre your da was giving your ma’s brother. Your lucky number is -7.
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Scorpions are drunks and wasters and you are no exception. That thing you vaguely remember doing on Saturday night was done in with the best intentions. The police will understand. Your next Career: Powerless Superhero.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
A friend will try to lecture you on the importance of a matter close to their hearts. Normally you would take what they say seriously, but this time laugh loudly whilst pushing their face away with the palm of your hand. Cling to your dreams. They’ll only ever be dreams. But they are all you will ever have.
