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Thursday, June 8, 2023

Lowlies in the Sacristy with Diamonds

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High Priest Father Zebedee MacDougal from Round-about Church on top of Leith Walk was giving mass at 08:00 on Sunday morning when he noticed something very strange was going on.

“I said the Eucharist like I always do ‘Take this, all of you, and eat of it, for this is my body, blahh blahh blahh‘ then I broke the bread and ate some of it washing it down with some altar wine. I don’t like this bit. The wine tastes bloody awful. Cheap and very nasty. You’ll leave that bit out won’t ya?” said Father MacDougal

“Of course” I reply.

“Good man. Anyways. I then ran through the usual rituals, cleaning the cup, giving communion to my little helpers the altar boys etcetera then the congregation rose from their seats and came forward to celebrate communion as usual.”

“I lifted the chalice of communion wafers and made my way across the altar to dish out the communion to my awaiting congregation. It was then that I had the most amazing feeling. I had a sudden realisation that I was God himself and God was me. Everything was beautiful. Everything had always been beautiful and would always be beautiful.”

“I was at one with everyone and everything. Free from the constraints of space and time. Like I was floating in space. I wanted to stay there forever. I thought to myself, wow, the force is strong this morning. I thanked the Jesus and proceeded to pass out the communion.”

“I got to Miss Aphrodite Anderson, the most beautiful woman in town, if you don’t mind me saying so. You’ll leave that bit out won’t you?”

“Of course” I reply.

“Thanks. Well, she stuck out her tongue ready to receive the Eucharist. As I went to set the body of Christ on her tongue, her mouth completely vanished! I thought ‘how strange’. I was looking at her mouth-less face, trying not to panic, wondering where to put the Eucharist. It was then that a tiny red devil climbed out of her ear onto here left shoulder and started masturbating whilst sinisterly whispering ‘You know you want to!‘ in a strong Irish accent”

“I didn’t know what was going on. I gave the chalice of Eucharists to my altar boy and asked him to continue. Then I ran to the sacristy to try and pull myself together.”

“I sat for a while with my rosary beads praying, trying to get my thoughts together, but then the rosary beads broke into little pieces in my hands. Each piece turned into a little dormouse that whispered ‘Feed your head!’ before disappearing down holes that had appeared in the palms of my hands. There were holes in my hands! Padre Pio I said to myself! It was the feckin stigmata! Just like the Jesus himself!”

“I peeked through the hole in my left hand and I was looking down from the clouds at myself on holiday in Belgium. I was wearing a white linen suit and a panama hat. I was rowing a little boat on the Zwyn River in Bruges singing ‘Stairway to Heaven’ backwards to Miss Aphrodite Anderson!”

“She sat opposite smiling at me from a red parasol. She was stroking a white rabbit and laughing wildly. She wore a beautiful red lace dress and a golden tiara. She had her bare bosoms out for all to see! The number thirteen was tattooed on her left breast. “

“I then looked through the hole in my right hand and I was looking down on myself flying around in one of those old open top propeller driven air planes dressed. I was Biggles, goggles and all! I was circling Arthur’s Seat in Edinburgh looking down on some chap sitting at the top cross legged chanting and meditating. The chap was me!”

“I sat back shocked wondering what was happening to me.”

“It was then I heard the commotion from the chapel. I pulled the door open. People were wondering around all over the place, some giggling, some sitting staring at their hands, there was a group hug going on near the altar. One man was on the altar naked singing and drinking the altar wine. I had no idea what to do. So I sat by the candles and watched the dancing flames flicker. The shepherd had lost control of his mind and his flock.”

I asked one member of the congregation, John Jellybeans from Elm Row in the city, who wanted to remain nameless, what he experienced that morning.

“All I can say is I went to 08:00 mass as I do every week and went to take my communion as I always do. Father MacDougal looked a little stressed and had gone back to the sacristy. The altar boys continued handing out the Eucharist. I got my wafer and went back to my seat and took to the knee to give thanks.”

“As I was saying thank you to the Jesus I heard a little voice whispering ‘You are Jesus’. I said ‘What?’ The voice repeated ‘You are Jesus’ ‘Who is this?’ I asked. The voice answered ‘This is the voice of your conscience speaking. You are the one. The second coming!’.”

“I thought it strange at first but then I thought about it for a few minutes and it was obvious. There was no doubt in my mind. I was the One. I was the second coming.”

“Next thing you know I’ve cast off all my worldly goods, and my clothes, and am completely naked on the altar with a chalice full of altar wine singing I am the Resurrection by the Stone Roses. It was mad stuff altogether.”

Another member of the congregation, Mabel Syrup from Easter Road, who also wanted to remain anonymous, came forward to tell us about her experience.

“I had my communion and returned to my seat, I was giving thanks to the powers that be when I had the strange feeling that I was floating. I open my eyes, peeked down and sure enough I’m levitating a few inches off the ground.”

“I stood up and I have to say I felt absolutely tremendous. Best I’ve felt in years. I raised both my arms up to give thanks to the Lord and all this multicoloured glitter started shooting out from the tips of my fingers, like a rainbow. A different colour from each finger. Like the Jackson Five in that Can You Feel It video. Remember that?”

“I do” I reply.

“I looked at my hands in amazement then I hear this voice gently whispering ‘Fly Mabel Syrup, fly!’ I look up and Jesus is talking directly to me from the stained glass window behind the altar! So with a flap of my arms up I go! Jesus winks at me and gives me the thumbs up. As I rise up to the heavens, I’m not sure how to say this…[short pause for thought]…it was like infinite versions of me appeared to the left and right of me stretching out forever.”

“Then we all start flying around the chapel spraying this most beautiful glitter over the people below all singing ‘All the colors of the world should be lovin’ each other wholeheartedly.‘ It was the most wonderful experience of my life. Free as a bird I was.”

Father MacDougal eventually got control of his flock and steered them all into the sacristy. After a few hours in the darkened sacristy, lounging on bean bags listening to Neil Diamond’s A Cherry Cherry Christmas album on repeat everyone was grand.

No one has any idea who would have done something like this. Police have refused to look into it as it happened on a Sunday and they no longer work on weekends.

If you were at the mass or know of anyone who was we would love to hear from you. Get in touch via the link below.



Father Zebedee MacDougal has since left the church, changed his name to Baba Ram Dass II and moved to Findhorn where he is setting up a cult commune called the Bountiful Sun Sanctuary.

Mabel Syrup, now known as Paramadama Dingdong, hopes to join him there as soon her new abode Rainbow Lodge is complete.

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