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Thursday, June 8, 2023

Shopping center to be fitted with life boats and life buoys

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After recent flash flooding it has been decided that the Edinburgh’s most recently opened shopping center is to be fitted with lifeboats and life jackets.

Managing director, Lottie Shapps said ”We have to take action now. After recent flooding we want to send out a clear message that we do not want our customers drowning whilst shopping with us. We all have enough to be worrying about, right!?”

“We’ll have the lifeboats and life jackets installed in the coming weeks. We’ll also be providing emergency umbrellas, wellington boots and those cute little water proof hats like the ones Paddington Bear wears.”

“We will be looking for local businesses to come forward to sponsor the boats and buoys to help cover costs. We are also considering offering bereaved families the opportunity install a buoy in memory of a dead loved one, like those benches you see around town”

“Once everything is ready we will be having regular open days so people can come along and familiarise themselves with the boats and buoys. We’ll have clowns, mime artists and face painters on hand for the kids and everything.”

“Could you not just get the roof fixed?” I ask her.

“We have looked into that, but no one seems to know what the problem is. Plus this is a great marketing opportunity. How many shopping malls do you know that are fitted with lifeboats and life buoys!?”

“We did think about changing our name to The Titanic Quarter Shopping Center, but the Titanic people in Belfast objected.”

“Probably just was well. It did sink on it’s maiden voyage you know.” I reply.

“That’s right, I hadn’t thought of that” she said distractedly as she walked off towards the brightly coloured Lego shop window display.

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