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TK Maxx shopper shocked at saucy display stating shop should be renamed TK Sexx

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A TK Maxx shopper has slammed the American department store after spotting a saucy Xmas product on the shelves. She took to Facebook, warning others, calling it ‘vile’ and a ‘mockery to Xmas’.

The shopper has been left ‘disgusted’ after spotting the product on the shelves of the popular department store’s Fort Kinnaird branch.

She believes children should not have to see such things, especially so near Xmas.

Writing on a Facebook group she said: “Totally disgusted TK Maxx are selling this. I mean it’s clearly a big penis made to look like Santa.

“And to add insult to injury there’s an angel rubbing him from behind! And that cheeky little smile on Santa’s face.He’s clearly enjoying himself! It’s an absolute disgrace!

“TK Sexx not TK Maxx. I’ll not be back!”

The offensive product

“Any advice on how to complain as a consumer or get a petition or something to have it removed from shelves?

“We should not have to see products like this on display in our department stores.

“We should not have to listen to our children ask questions like ‘Mummy why does Santa look like my pee-pee?’ and ‘Mummy, why is that woman rubbing that big pee-pee, is it sick?’

“Come on. This is absolutely vile! Any Christians amongst us or even people with common sense?”

Mefry Christmos

“And if that isn’t bad enough, they have a sign for sale saying ‘Mefry Christmos! I mean these heathens are clearly taking the absolute P.I.S.S.!

Some people did see the funny side and replied to her Facebook post.

“🎶Santa Clause is cumming 🎶 Santa Clause is cumming 🎶 🤣” said one joker.

“Santa better not cum down my chimney this year! 🎅🏻💦 ” commented another joker.

‘Repent or else I will come unto thee quickly’ Santa 2:16 😂” japed another.

We tried approaching TK Maxx for comment but have they have yet to respond. They’re probably busy pulling Santa off. The shelves.

Did you see the items pictured above on your Xmas shop around TK Maxx? Did they cause offence? Leave a comment below or send a tweet with #onlyinedinburgh

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98% of Edinburgh public think Gordon Ramsay’s new Bread Street Kitchen is in the city’s Pubic Triangle

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Gordon Ramsay’s new Edinburgh restaurant Bread Street Kitchen opened to much fanfare today. The fancy new eaterie is located in the city’s salubrious St Andrew Square.

But the restaurant’s name has confused a majority of Edinburgh locals.

We took to the streets to ask the public where they would expect to find Gordon Ramsay’s new restaurant.

Our question was a simple one.

“Where would you expect to find Gordon Ramsay’s new restaurant Bread Street Kitchen?”

We asked 100 people in total and 86 of them said Bread Street near the city’s infamous Pubic Triangle. Oddly enough the remaining 15 said they thought it was a popular 90s band from Texas.

“That’s an easy one” replied one 85 year old gentleman “Bread Street is next to all those titty bars.”

“That’s where that Pubic Triangle is, is it not?” replied his friend “I’ve never been but I hear it’s good fun up there. I’m past all that now at my age. My tackle is long out of action.

“My balls droop to my knees and I doubt my tackle would budge even if I took a handful of that minagra or what ever it’s called.”

Another member of the public quipped “If I went to Bread Street I wouldn’t be eating out of a restaurant that’s for sure.

“I’d be eating out of something entirely different if you know what I’m saying! I wouldn’t be telling the wife aboot it either. You know what I mean?

“Don’t be putting my name on that. I don’t want to get into any bother!” said Joe Mackie from Cheyne Street in Stockbridge.

We contacted Bread Street Kitchen head office for comment.

Gordon Ramsay, who once made a sandwich for Justin Bieber

Their spokesperson got back stating that Gordon Ramsay, who once made a sandwich for Justin Bieber, was f[BLEEP]ing furious at the cock up [no pun intended].

He said Gordon loved tits as much as the next [heterosexual] man and had nothing against titty bars.

But he did not want his shiny new restaurant’s name to be associated with them in an way.

Gordon on the beach showing off his new Big Bird tattoo

It is rumoured that Gordon has set up a GoFundMe page to raise the money in order to buy Bread Street and change it’s name to Sesame Street.

Sesame Street is Gordon Ramsay’s favourite TV show. He even has a tattoo of his favourite character from the show, Big Bird, on his left shoulder.

It is also widely believed that he has another of Oscar on his right butt cheek.

He has brushed this off as utter rubbish.

So have you been to Bread Street Kitchen yet? Did you end up in a titty bar in the Pubic Triangle by mistake? We’d love to hear from you.

Leave a comment below or send a message on Twitter #onlyinedinburgh

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Is there anything more Xmassy than drinking in a garden shed next to a building site?

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Yes, it’s that time of year again folks. Xmas is just around the corner. It’s time to blow the cob webs off the purses and wallets.

Get out there and shop till you drop.

But just before you drop get your weary feet round to St James Quarter’s bargain basement attempt at a winter wonderland.

Take the weight off and book a flimsy garden shed to share with your family and friends.

Because nothing screams Xmas more than having a few pints or cocktails with friends and family in a freezing garden shed next to an active and very noisy building site.

Am I right!?

But unlike the building site next door this poor mans winter wonderland has yet to be granted planning permission!

Yes that’s right. They don’t currently have planning permission.

But don’t let that put you off. Book now and hopefully it will still be there when you arrive. It’s all part of the Xmas surprise!

And don’t forget to wrap up well. Flimsy wooden garden sheds are not as warm as you might think.

Be prepared to huddle. And bring some waterproofs just in case your shed springs a leek during a downpour.

All in all should be great craic altogether. If that’s what you’re into.

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McDonald’s submit plans to open restaurant on McArthur’s Seat

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McDonald’s have recently submitted plans to open a new restaurant on the site of the ruins of St. Anthony’s Chapel on the hill above St. Margaret’s Loch in Holyrood Park.

A spokesperson for the restaurant made an announcement from the site today stating that there is no better place in the world to chow down on a big mac and fries.

“Hands up who doesn’t love the idea getting tucked into a Double Big Mac™ with fries and Strawberry McMilkshake™ and Malteser McFlurry™ and a coffee from the McCafe™ after a good walk up McArthurs Seat [trademark applied for]?”

Much to his surprise we all looked to each other in horror then slowly raised our hands.

We asked if he had any concerns about the proposed building destroying the aesthetics of an area of natural beauty as well as introducing serious issues such as rubbish and heart attacks to this famous tourist attraction.

McRubbish

“You are right in that this is such a place of natural beauty and we feel that the Golden Arches™ will only add to that.

“We will be incorporating the current ruins into the new build and putting some fake trees out front.

We will also put a full size plastic Ronald McDonald on a bench so our patrons can pose with him for selfies with McArthurs Seat [trademark applied for] in the background. Hashtag McArthurs Seat! Beautiful. Right? What’s not to love?

“And yes before you get your McKnickers™ in a knot, you did hear me correctly. We have proposed a very slight name change from Arthur’s Seat to McArthur’s Seat. Very slight. You’ll hardly even notice.

“In return we will donate over £100 a month to local heart health charities who will invest the money in finding a cure for the heart disease caused from eating too much fast food.

McClog & McClear Artery Service Logo

“Once they find that cure we have already licenses in place so we can use that cure to open our very own McClog & McClear Artery Service™.

In the meantime we will continue to sponsor local sporting events. We’re the good guys here. So c’mon where’s the love!?

“As for the rubbish issue we have added to our plans proposals for a Golden McSkip™ to be placed every 100 metres from Holyrood Park right to the top of McArthur’s Seat [trademark applied for] that will be emptied by McVolunteers™.

“The skips will glow in the dark and have little solar powered flashing beacons on them so people won’t get lost up there in the dark.

“The solar panels may also provide enough power to run a few McVending Machines™ along the way. But lets not get too ahead of ourselves. That’s for another day. McPlan 2.0™ if you will.”

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“You don’t think that your proposals are ridiculous and have little to no chance of being passed? It’s a lost cause surely?” we asked him.

“We’ve made some really big donati… Sorry, we’ve had some really big productive McMeatings™, that’s with an a, with Edinburgh Council and believe our plans will get the go ahead.

“Plus we’ve been saying a few McPrayers™ to St Anthony, who is after all the patron saint of lost causes so we think we are in safe hands.”

“Oh! I forgot to mention jobs. This will create six full time jobs over the next 12 months. They’ll all work 90hrs a week and we will contribute an additional 49pence an hour to their fully government funded basic living wage. Thank y’all for coming today.

He finished the interview handing out McVouchers and McKeyrings. I got one for £10 worth of free McFries™ and 3 free McLattes™! Result!

So what do you think? A very bad McJoke or something you would like to see on your next walk up McArthur’s Seat?

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Collection of Deborah Meaden photos for sale

Collection of Deborah Meaden photographs.

All taken from my TV using my phone over the last 10 years.

There are 753 photos in total. I’ll accept £25 for the lot.

I would consider swapping for a similar collection of Ruth Langsford.

No offers!

No time wasters!

Collection only from Edinburgh New Town.

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Plan unveiled to electrify Greyfriars Bobby to stop tourists rubbing him for good luck

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Edinburgh council have unveiled plans to electrify Greyfriars Bobby in a bid to stop tourists from rubbing his nose for good luck.

A spokesperson for the council told us “We are sick and tired of having to respray Bobby’s nose two or three times a year just because some feckin eejit tourists think it’s meant to bring good luck if you rub it.

“I mean have you ever heard anything as fucking ridiculous in your life!?

“We get that it makes for a funny photo to post on The Gram [Instagram] or The Facebook but for Christ sake just stand beside him and smile with your two thumbs up or something. There’s no need to go rubbing his nose. He’s doesn’t have a genie inside him. He’s not a magic lamp!

“We plan to electrify the statue so if anyone touches him they’ll get a nasty shock. Nothing too painful or life threatening but enough to get the ‘fucking stop that’ message across. A bit like an electric fence around a field of cattle. Although cow’s have a bit more sense than some of these half wits to be honest!

“They do the same with the statue of Hume on High Street. They rub his fucking toe. Can you believe that!? I mean who the fuck are these people. How will rubbing Hume’s toe bring you good luck!?”

We couldn’t give him a definitive answer.

“So we plan to see how it goes with Greyfriars Bobby first then we will most likely have to electrify the Hume statue as well” continued the council spokesperson.

We put a shout out on The Twitter to see if we could find anyone who’s luck had changed for the better as a result of rubbing Greyfriar’s Boaby or Hume’s big toe.

We got a response for @minitheminx1299548747,who lives in London saying “I touched Greyfriar’s Boaby on the Saturday morning and that evening I got three numbers up on the lotto, winning £30. I’ve never won anything before. So yeah if I’m ever back in Edinburgh I’ll definitely be rubbing plenty more of the Boaby.”

We got another reply from @spoofylaroux123, who is from Paris, saying “I sucked Hume’s big toe on the Friday night on way home from the pub. Got really sick on the Saturday morning. Hospitalized on the Saturday evening. I shat and puked my brains out right through the night. But according to doctors I made a miraculous recovery and got discharged on Sunday evening. I was very lucky indeed.”

We let the council spokesperson see the replies we had received.

“It’s all a fucking nonsense. I mean what the actual fuck!?

“Einstein was bang on when he said ‘Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe’

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“Next thing you know they’ll be down in Princes Street Gardens rubbing that bear’s nose for luck” he said shaking his head in disbelief.

We waited for a few moments before we broke the news to him at which point he fell to the ground sobbing and slobbering all over the footpath.

In the end we had to call for medical assistance who arrived promptly (hashtag NHS Heroes), sedated him and took him away to hospital in the back of an ambulance.

The good news is he’s now out of sedation and making a full recovery at home surrounded by his family and friends and his two cats Tiffany Chinstraps and Triple Cooked Chips.

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Exclusive: Love Island 2022 to be filmed in Cramond north-west of Edinburgh

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According to an email leaked to Only In Edinbrugh HQ Love Island 2022 will be filmed in Cramond, Midlothian!

It’s believed that due to Covid-19 producers have been scouting the shores of the UK to find a suitable location closer to home for the hit show and Cramond Island has been selected due to its ‘perfect location’.

While producers remain tight-lipped (botox?) about where the sexy singletons could be heading in 2022, scantily clad workmen have been seen on Cramond Island preparing the foundations of the exclusive compound based on the original Love Island set up.

ITV commissioner Amanda Stavri allegedly told Radio Times: “We haven’t announced anything officially but Cramond is very much going to be the new home of Love Island.

“I can’t confirm anything 100 per cent at this stage but Cramond Island will definitely provide the perfect location to host the Love Island that our viewers know and love.”

While the interior of the villa changes each year, there are a few fundamental aspects to the luxury mansion.

All contestants have to share a room, with double beds lined in two rows. Couples are expected to share a bed with their ‘coupled up’ partner.

However, fans of the show will know that counts for nothing, with regular petty fall-outs and senseless squabbles leading to contestants sleeping on the couch and some even venturing out into the outside bedroom.

A double bed like those used on Love Island. You might have even slept in one yourself.

That’s right, the villa will have an outdoor bedroom. Crazy right! What is this like 1990!

The self obsessed contestants, are usually folk who desperately crave attention and will do just about anything to get it. They will be able to top up their tan in the Midlothian sunshine at the outdoor pool, on the front lawn, at the outdoor workout area or seated round the fire pit.

The fire pit is also where the group congregate to couple up, finger, pull off or dry hump each other. It is also where they get to say their goodbyes and cruelly mock and laugh at the less successful singletons.

Inside the villa there is a makeup room, open plan kitchen, lounge/living room and a separate ‘hide away’, where couples can go for a quick knee trembler away from the prying eyes of the other mind numbingly boring members of the group.

No reading or writing is allowed on Love Island, which has never presented a big issue for those taking part in the past.

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Sizzling hot Alex ‘Saucy’ Salmond

Rumours are already circulating as to who some of Love Island 2022’s contestants will be. One of the most prominent names that has been bounced around on the Love Island grapevine is the sizzling hot ex-SNP Leader Alex ‘Saucy’ Salmond.

His spokesperson laughed at the suggestion but Salmond himself was very coy and suspiciously quiet when we approached him as he left a popular back alley Rose Street sauna.

Lord Ruth ‘Dishy Diva’ Davidson

Another name that has been flying around is ex-Scottish Tory Party leader and Salmond’s Holyrood arch nemesis Lord Ruth ‘Dishy Diva’ Davidson.

We approached her as she left Ladbrokes bookmakers also on Edinburgh’s Rose Street where she was seen placing a huge bet of over £50,000 on Tulchan Comms who was racing in the 3:15 at Chepstow.

She also vehemently denied having anything to do with ‘that pathetic show’ and there was no way she would appear ‘on anything so trite’.

But you know what they say “Those who shout the loudest Usually have the most to hide.”

And just think what would happen to the viewing figures if sparks of a very different kind were to fly between Salmond and Davidson and led to a spot of cross party dry humping down by the Cramond Love Island fire pit?

We’re rooting for you guys! Roll on 2022! 👀

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Pint sized Hollywood heart throb Tom Cruise splashes out on luxury East Lothian property

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High heel wearing Hollywood legend Tom Cruise has decided to fork out a small fortune on a new luxury home. But the plush property is not in the Berkeley Hills in California, nor is the magnificent mansion in London’s expensive Park Lane (according to our Monopoly board). It’s in Seton Sands!

Wee Tom’s yacht parked off the Scottish coast

Tom fell in love with the place after recently floating by on his luxury yacht which was spotted in various locations off the Scottish coast over the summer.

The little guy with the deep pockets is really showing the colour of his money and splashing out over £600 a week on a lovely spacious 3 bedroom holiday home right in the heart of the Seton Sands holiday park.

The wee man’s new luxury home comes with:
  • A shower with hot & cold water taps
  • A microwave for heating his favourite snack, Beef & Tomato Pot Noodles
  • A high chair, which we are sure he will be making full use of

Due to the ongoing issue of Covid 19 we believe that Tom is being asked to supply his own bedding. The holiday home owners have sent their apologies for this and promise to leave an extra chocolate on his pillow for when he arrives.

Double sofa beds in the lounge area mean that there will be plenty of room for Tom and up to seven of the petite play-actor’s entourage . The sofa beds can be pushed together to form comfy double beds should there be nothing on the telly.

As a guest at Seton Sands Tom and his crew will have full access to all facilities which include crazy golf, archery, outdoor swing parks (those sofa beds should come in handy after all 😉)

There’s also a nightly disco where Tom can pull all the right moves before belting out some of his fav pop tunes at karaoke and cocktails in the Showbar next door.

In the highly unlikely event of the winter sun coming out and tiny Tom fancies taking full advantage of the East Lothian weather he can don his budgie smugglers and hit the nearby beach or just strut his stuff around one of the two, yes two!, swimming pools.

Seton Sands water slide. Perfect for a spot of showing off Tom 👍🏻

The pools even have water slides so Tom, who often does his own stunts in his movies, can impress the other holidaymakers with some of his neat tricks.

But should it rain man or if there are days of thunder, he can always nip into the amusements and while away the hours on the tuppenny sliders or on any of the vast array of one arm bandits on display.

Seton Sands amusement arcade. Perfect for Tom to shelter from the rain man ☔️

It’s risky business but in the unlikely event of the multi millionaire running out of cash he can always get a few quid on tick and use his fancy boat parked off shore as collateral.

The holiday park is owned and run by the Maguire family. We spoke with the mummy Mrs Jerry Maguire said “We can’t say exactly when Tom and his crew will be arriving. The dates aren’t set in stone as yet, or should I say Seton Sands”

“The good news for anyone hoping to catch a glimpse of the usually elusive pocket sized mega star is that autumn and winter in Seton Sands are usually very quiet so we have plenty of other holiday homes for rent. Just check out our website. Book early though to avoid disappointment.

“All what we got here’s American made. It’s a little bit cheesy, but it’s nicely displayed. We think that’s why Tom has chosen to stay with us.

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The Proclaimers belt out a tune at Seton Sands holiday park Xmas Party in 2015

“We expect he’ll be visited by loads of his other show biz friends such as Proclaimers brothers Charlie and Craig Reid and Slade lead singer Noddy Holder to name but a few.”

However, a spokesperson for Mr Cruise has poured cold water on Mrs Maguire’s claims. “Tom has absolutely no intention of spending any time on Seton Sands holiday park this winter. To suggest otherwise is just ridiculous. Mrs Maguire is clearly losin it”

But Mrs Maguire was quite adamant “Tom made it very clear that his visit was to be top secret and only a few good men would know anything about it. His spokesperson is clearly one of the outsiders.

“And don’t forget, book early to avoid disappointment and missing out on seeing Tom this winter. People will be coming from far and away to see him. They’ll be like midges round a fresh turd!”

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Boner contention as study finds 8 out of 10 Edinburgh traffic wardens can’t get it up

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Edinburgh traffic wardens are up in all the wrong places at revelations in a recently released report that suggest 80% of them just can’t get it up in all the right places.

The report was the result of months of very hard work by a crack team of Edinburgh University’s finest scientists who employed the help of Arnold Clark car rental service and a number of sexy sirens from strip clubs located in the city’s well-known pubic triangle quarter.

One of the scientists involved told us “We sent out a number of scantily clad strippers in some of Arnold Clark’s sexiest motors. The models were wearing mics and small digital cameras and very little else.

“We asked them to drive into the outskirts of the city center and park on pavements, on double yellow lines and even in the middle of the road with hazard lights on.

“They then waited nearby until the car was approached by a traffic warden. We tried Morningside and Stockbridge first but unfortunately the wardens didn’t bite to begin with.

“They just seemed to ignore our sex kittens poorly parking. Seems to be a parking free for all in these areas.

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“So we moved into Edinburgh city center and that’s when thing got really interesting!

“Like flies around shite they were. It was absolutely crazy. There’s traffic wardens everywhere in the town centre. Practically climbing out of the trees.

“They were almost fighting amongst themselves to write the tickets. Like wild apes fighting for dominance.

Bananananaman with a firm banana in hand

“But once they were approached by our flirtatious foxy felines they quickly turned into submissive whimpering little boys. Like the great Bananananaman transforming back into Eric Wimp before your very eyes.

“We caught all the action, or lack of it should I say, on camera and from our extensive analyses of the images not one of the traffic wardens showed any signs of arousal in their nether regions.

“Quite the opposite in some cases where we did notice significant shrinkage.”

“Thankfully I’m one of the twenty percent. I have no bother getting a boner. In fact I’m getting one right now just looking at you!” said one feisty traffic warden in the Grassmarket this morning.

Another warden declared “Just to be clear, I have no problems in that department. I can only put it down to the stresses of the job. Some find it harder than others. I must cope with it better I suppose.”

“I’ve never heard anyone talking about it to be fair. It has never come up in the tea room at lunchtime or anywhere else for that matter.

“I suppose due to the nature of the problem it’s very hard for a man to talk about publicly. It’s a topic that would probably require more of a softly-softly approach in private.

“But like I say it has never happened to me. Touch wood!”

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A spokesperson for the council said “We are currently setting up a support group for our traffic wardens to discuss their erection issues with each other. Nothing rigid so to speak just a relaxed space to talk.

“In the meantime we would encourage them all to reach around and help each other. It’ll be very hard at the beginning but try to stand firm and it will not be as hard once you all get going.”

“Nothing is impenetrable. Use your mouths. The words will come.”

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Hearts fans want more European nights so Tynecastle oblige with tapas every Thursday in October

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Over the years there have been thrilling comebacks, agonising defeats and the some great European nights to remember in Tynecastle but unfortunately nothing to write home about in recent seasons.

So fans have begun to vent their frustration on The Twitter and The Facebook at the lack of European action at Tynecastle of late.

To appease the growing unrest amongst the Hearts fanbase, the powers that be at Tynecastle have come up with a rather novel idea. Tapas Thursday. Thats right you read that correctly. Tapas Thursday.

Starting on the 7th October Tynecastle will throw open it’s doors to their fans to enjoy a European night with a difference. All laid on by the club for free.

A Hearts representive told us “We’ve listened to the fans. They want more European nights. So more European nights they will have.

“We’re starting with Spanish Tapas Thursday because I’ve just got back from a week in Alicante and the food was absolutely delish! I have no doubt the fans are going to love Tapas Thursday.

Julio Iglesias tribute act Danny Boy from Prestonpans sings seductively down an imaginary telephone

“We will put on a massive spread in the stadium and play some of the highlights of our best outings in Europe over the years up on the big screens. It’ll be fan … tastic. Did you see what I did there?

“We’ve even booked a Prestonpans tribute act of everyone’s favourite Spaniard Julio Iglesias to come in and belt out a few of our favourite Iglesias tunes. He’s called Danny Boy or ‘Dan from the Pan’ as he sometimes likes to be called. I think he does requests.

“Then in November we’ll move on to German Sausage Saturday. We will switch to a different European country every month.

Race Day Loans from Shot In The Dark

“The first team players will dress up in the traditional clothes of the European country of the month and serve the food to the fans. A really exciting development and something for the fans to look forward to over the 2021/2022 season.”

We interviewed a spokeperson for the Heart of Midlothian fan club about the latest idea to come from Tynecastle.

“I thought it was a fucking joke when I first found out about it. When we said we wanted more European nights we didn’t mean free fucking picnics in the park! Whilst watching old European games! What the fuck is that all about?”

A Hearts Pretzel

Another disgruntled fan said “We need players not paellas and pretzels. This is typical. Just typical. Although I do enjoy a good tortilla it has to be said. I’m quite looking forward to Tapas Thursdays to be honest.

“And German sausage whats not to like!? Free too! And come to think of it a pretzel does look a bit like our club emblem. Be cool if the could bake a few of those eh!?”

A keyboard warrior vented their fury on the clubs Facebook page “I’m fucking infuriated and I don’t even like football 🤬🤯”

What are your thoughts? Paella or players? Will you be going to a Tynecastle European night with a difference? Leave a comment below.